Yearbook

I've been packing up my things to move to... wherever it is Scott and I are going to live in a little over a month... and in the midst of trying to figure out how to make all my yearbooks fit in a box, I ended out flipping one of them open. It was my senior year book. When I read the comments I nearly cried. I miss the people.

Those crazy friends who wrote such great comments in the yearbook before we went our separate ways. Some I haven't seen hide nor hair of since. Some I've grown closer to despite the distance. (Oh, and I may be calling a few of you in the next week or so to take you up on long passed offers of coffee and movies. It would be nice to see you again. Y'all were the best thing about high school.)

Now don't get me wrong, you couldn't pay me enough to want to be a high schooler again. The drama with people, the way nobody took you seriously, the junk... no thank you.

I almost wish I could start out everyday in the drama room though: With Chris flirting with whoever. Becca telling me that I had once more lost my right to dance due the fact that I am too white. Celeste eating the outer glazed part of the donut then trying to convince Justine to take the rest because she doesn't like bread. Guys suddenly deciding they want to try on dresses. Beating Chris and Becca at cards with V. Chilling with the band guys. V's jokes. Yugoslavia, Checkoslovakia...

I guess that part of me is the same part that honestly considered staying at college just so I could go to BCAR once a week, but alas, all the good people were leaving anyway: Rick was gone, so no more of that special brand of humor. Ryan was barely coming, so no one was telling like it is. Robby was gone, so no plan B to watch Supernatural or something equally cool if the pick was lame. Antonio was gone, so no one to make quiet, dark jokes in the back of the room with. Kaitlin seemed emotionally absent from the proceedings with Rita and Antonio gone...

I miss them though.

I want to reach out and be the one to keep in touch despite the rejection inherent to such efforts. I still try though. Sorry to those of you I've canceled on at any point. I know it sucks. Sorry. Some of these people will ultimately become nothing more then fond memories, but a few, at least I hope, will step forward and refuse to be relegated to the past.

I miss you already.

8 a.m. in room 112...

7 p.m. Wed. in the Green basement...

Maybe I'll find a new place to meet friends for some great new memories. Until then, stay in touch.

Meditation

I love driving at night. It seems good for the soul somehow, to move effortlessly through the quiet roads under a gentle light. It helps me think too.

I had a question earlier, but the person I needed to ask didn't answer so for now I'm releasing it.

Breath in.... peace, calm, confidence.

Breath out... doubt, worry, panic.

Breath in... I'm going to make it.

Breath out...

Lately my life seems to have become a series of meditations. I go into an almost meditative state of focus while at work that allows me to get things done reasonably quickly, forget other concerns that would only distract me and makes time seem to pass more quickly. I am forever meditative in my writing. I repeat my own mantra as I fall asleep.

Driving is the best though. When I am in the car alone is the only time when I feel totally free to let go and focus on the space around me and within me. It is my space. I am free to be me in it.

When I am alone in the car, the object(s) of my meditation tends to affect my driving. If I'm focused on good things, I tend to drive like a grandma. If I'm trying to figure out a problem, I drive like a stunt man evading police custody. I try not to meditate on problems while driving too often.

Meditation comes easy for me though. It is like the white hot flash of pain when your mind goes entirely blank, without the pain. Simple and automatic... easy.

I let my foot off the accelerator. Hello again, Exit 18. Time to plot out what I've found in this short meditation on paper. Perhaps then the answer will make itself clear...

...if indeed there is an answer.

A Post Pertaining to Scott, me and the Many Questions that are Currently Floating Through my Head

2 months until I bravely march where no Blackwell girl has marched before (at least not in the last half century): Down the aisle.

I'm a bit nervous at this point. Family pressure from all angles is getting to me. That is of course on top of the pressure I put on myself to be the most super awesome person I know. (Yes, this is how my brain describes it, and with super awesome people like y'all as friends its a lot to live up to.)

I want to turn to everyone and no one all at the same time to just sort out how I feel about the whole thing. I want to get married. Yes, I do love him. I think we can make it (financially, romantically, career-wise, etc). I want to do this.

The real kicker of the questions is this though: Do I think we're ready? Honestly, no. If by ready, you mean prepared for all of life's unexpected craziness, then I don't think it is possible to be. A Batman Beyond quote comes to mind on this, "... expect the unexpected."

I'm going into it about like I go into most major decisions though. I've gotten to know the people involved (me and him). I've done research to see what to keep an eye out for and to really focus on and to see what made other people succeed or fail. I've observed others as much as possible. But am I ready? Am I prepared? Can anyone ever be?

*sigh* I guess I'll just hope for the best and go for it. I know what I want out of life and as Shel Silverstein once made clear so pointedly, the "What ifs" are just distractions that keep us up at night.

I know what I want out of my life, and marrying the man I love is one of those things that I want. There are still a million questions in my mind, but the really important ones already have clear answers. Isn't that what really matters?

I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher

They say we're young and we don't know

We won't find out until we grow

Well I don't know if all that's true

'Cause you got me, and baby I got you

Babe

I got you babe

I got you babe

They say our love won't pay the rent

Before it's earned, our money's all been spent

I guess that's so, we don't have a pot

But at least I'm sure of all the things we got

Babe

I got you babe

I got you babe

I got flowers in the spring

I got you to wear my ring

And when I'm sad, you're a clown

And if I get scared, you're always around

Don't let them say your hair's too long

'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong

Then put your little hand in mine

There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

Babe

I got you babe

I got you babe

I got you to hold my hand

I got you to understand

I got you to walk with me

I got you to talk with me

I got you to kiss goodnight

I got you to hold me tight

I got you, I won't let go

I got you to love me so

I got you babe...

The Girl who Played with Fire

I just finished reading The Girl who Played with Fire, the second book in the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson, and have been considering the characters. As a teacher once told me, a good book will make you think, a great book can change your life. In my opinion, this series could easily go into the latter category. It definitely made me think, yet it seems to call for something more from the reader.

The story centers around genius hacker, Lisbeth Salander, and crusading journalist, Mikael Blomkvist who find themselves facing off against criminals in their own unique ways. The main focus of the novel is the sex trade in Sweden, and a large part of the novel deals with why the sex trade is still able to flourish despite strict government regulations. Ultimately, it is a detective story though. Blomkvist tries to find the people who killed his friends and colleagues, while Salander tries to find and get back at the people who are responsible for putting her head on the chopping block. The novel is a bit dark at times, but that is really to be expected considering the content.

The series seems like a cross between Sherlock Holmes, All the President's Men and Sex in the City, if you can imagine that. The Girl who Played with Fire moved a little slower at some points then The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but somehow in less then a week I found myself on the other end of the book and wanting more. Unfortunately, the final book in the series, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, won't be out until May 25. The really sad part is the fact that this will be the last we get to read from Larsson, due to his untimely death a month before the first book went on sale in Sweden. I guess, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that the rumored 4th book will be published at some point, but even if it isn't, Larsson's work was more then enough to reignite my love of mysteries.

I give The Girl who Played with Fire 4.5 stars out of 5.

Makes me want to go dig up some more mysteries to read...

... or solve a mystery or two of my own.

About me...

It's almost 2 am, and I know I should sleep, but I've been so on edge lately that it is giving me weird dreams. It's hard to say precisely what it is that is bothering me. It is a little of everything I suppose... work, family, the living, the nearness of some to death, the inevitable drift of friends, school (or lack there of), wedding stuff, direction....

I suppose what bothers me the most is my inability to relate to people lately. Everything just seems so serious for everyone right now, but only the usual actions will be taken so they just want to talk about it. *sigh* I almost wish I could still do that. I lost the ability to freak out about things without doing something almost 7 years ago. Now I just regress into being totally mellow, even if the situation is terrible, if I even start to believe that I can't do anything about it. (I think it is a security measure that my mind developed out of necessity.) But anywho, enough of that...

So, basically my feeling of not being able to relate to people has prompted me to want to tell more about myself, since I don't really talk about my personal stuff much unless I'm asking for advice. So here are a few facts that few, if any of you know about me. Enjoy! :)

• I love hugs, but always worry that somebody is about to leave when I get one, on some level anyway.
• My first cd ever was Jimmy Buffett's Banana Wind. My mom ended out kidnapping it, but I still reclaim it whenever I need a pick-me-up. Track 3 is my favorite.
• I hate answering machines!!! Especially the preset ones.
• I don't think school is as important as learning... I just wish there was a way to get credit for what I do that is anti-curriculum. (Is the college from Accepted still taking students?)
• I have been to 35+ countries.
• For years my number one rule of dating was don't say yes to guys who give off bad vibes. Number 2? If he can't ask me in person, then the answer is no.
• I sometimes worry that I am actually totally loopy, and everyone is just being nice to me because they feel bad for me. It would explain a lot.
• My dyslexic tendencies make my reading comprehension higher because I have to really focus on what I'm reading otherwise it won't make any sense. Because of this I will probably never be able to speed read.
• I made a 89 in every math class I took from 7-12 grade. (It would have been a 86 in one of those, but I ended out having to take the final because I missed too many days.)
• If we have been friends for anywhere over 2 years, I have probably wanted to beat you down anime style at some point. At this point, you probably saw me rub my forehead and ask a follow-up question to whatever you just said.
• I do not yell when I get mad. My voice gets level, and I ask you all the questions that I know you don't want to consider while staring you down because I'm not going to let you get away with a lie much less a half-truth this time, and everybody has their tells.
• I hate yelling. If you yell, I won't listen.
• I am secretly a fat kid. I just have a really good metabolism.
• I keep a running tally of which acne products people recommend that I use. The tally so far this year runs: Proactiv 6, Lemon Juice 3, Tooth paste 2, Noxema 1, Drugs from the Derm. 3. I'm presently using Neutrogena and Aveda. I have tried all the suggestions at some point or another. None worked.
• I don't have a favorite song, but Hands by Jewel is definitely in my top 5.
• And finally last, but not least: I like to drink hot coffee because it makes me think of all the times I've sat with friends and family drinking coffee and just chilling. It's really more of a comfort thing then a desire for energy. (Actually, it kinda mellows me out anyway so...)

So, yeah... lots of stuff about me. Probably not much of it too interesting, but I thought I'd share. So, anything you want to share?

Hungry for Skills

"It's not great, but I'm hungry," my co-worker mused over her food amid conversation over jobs. Maybe that is why we are here. We are hungry for something.

I just realized today that I have been working for Wal*Mart for almost 6 months. Scary thought. This was, in my mind, supposed to be a job just to keep me busy until I found something better. Still nobody is hiring, not really.

I have heard about some maybes, but somehow I just can't make myself believe that, in this time where people with 20 years experience and a PHD are out of work, I have any chance of getting a better job against the competition.

What do I have in my favor? I have some writing skills, I suppose, and an up-front writing style to go with those skills. I am easily adaptable and a quick learner, but then again most everyone claims the same. (I really am though.) I have a life and health insurance sales license. I know enough to edit html but not to write it (unless super simple web pages count). I have some experience with travel and at this point have been to all but one continent. I can cook. I've read a lot of books on business and other subjects. I am an okay artist, though I'm so easily distracted from my own art that I'll probably never be great. I know more about meditation and muscle relaxation then anyone I've met without some sort of certificate on the subject.

And I am smart. As a school councilor once told me after a conversation and a glance at my SAT score, I can do anything. I just don't have a piece of paper to prove it, so I guess I'll develop some more skills until I can find a job where I fit.

Wheel of skills, turn, turn, turn. Tell me the skill that I should learn.

Today's skill is: Business Spanish. Give me a day or two and it'll be second nature. I already know the basics, I'm just a little out of practice.

Now, for your entertainment, here are the main phrases I need for my present job:

Hola. ¿Como esta? Bien, gracias.

¿Encontró usted todo bien hoy? Si.

¿Querría usted solicitar una tarjeta de crédito de Wal-Mart? No.

Tenga un día bueno.

For my next job? Who knows. I guess it couldn't hurt to be prepared. Tune in next time for more fun "skills."

A Search for a Better Me

Today I think I'll begin to search to find a better me...

A me who is not afraid

A me who does what she must do

Not because of what they've said

But because my heart tells me to.

A me who writes with passion

A me who writes daily

Who makes meet the black and the white

And does so gayly.

A me who cooks often

A me who cooks not to pass time

But crafts dishes with panache

Because I expect the sublime.

A me who is not discouraged

A me who believes the impossible dream

Who doesn't listen to the naysayers

Because this little girl is more the she seems.

Happy New Year to all! If 2010 really was the last year what would you do? Now do it!