About me...

It's almost 2 am, and I know I should sleep, but I've been so on edge lately that it is giving me weird dreams. It's hard to say precisely what it is that is bothering me. It is a little of everything I suppose... work, family, the living, the nearness of some to death, the inevitable drift of friends, school (or lack there of), wedding stuff, direction....

I suppose what bothers me the most is my inability to relate to people lately. Everything just seems so serious for everyone right now, but only the usual actions will be taken so they just want to talk about it. *sigh* I almost wish I could still do that. I lost the ability to freak out about things without doing something almost 7 years ago. Now I just regress into being totally mellow, even if the situation is terrible, if I even start to believe that I can't do anything about it. (I think it is a security measure that my mind developed out of necessity.) But anywho, enough of that...

So, basically my feeling of not being able to relate to people has prompted me to want to tell more about myself, since I don't really talk about my personal stuff much unless I'm asking for advice. So here are a few facts that few, if any of you know about me. Enjoy! :)

• I love hugs, but always worry that somebody is about to leave when I get one, on some level anyway.
• My first cd ever was Jimmy Buffett's Banana Wind. My mom ended out kidnapping it, but I still reclaim it whenever I need a pick-me-up. Track 3 is my favorite.
• I hate answering machines!!! Especially the preset ones.
• I don't think school is as important as learning... I just wish there was a way to get credit for what I do that is anti-curriculum. (Is the college from Accepted still taking students?)
• I have been to 35+ countries.
• For years my number one rule of dating was don't say yes to guys who give off bad vibes. Number 2? If he can't ask me in person, then the answer is no.
• I sometimes worry that I am actually totally loopy, and everyone is just being nice to me because they feel bad for me. It would explain a lot.
• My dyslexic tendencies make my reading comprehension higher because I have to really focus on what I'm reading otherwise it won't make any sense. Because of this I will probably never be able to speed read.
• I made a 89 in every math class I took from 7-12 grade. (It would have been a 86 in one of those, but I ended out having to take the final because I missed too many days.)
• If we have been friends for anywhere over 2 years, I have probably wanted to beat you down anime style at some point. At this point, you probably saw me rub my forehead and ask a follow-up question to whatever you just said.
• I do not yell when I get mad. My voice gets level, and I ask you all the questions that I know you don't want to consider while staring you down because I'm not going to let you get away with a lie much less a half-truth this time, and everybody has their tells.
• I hate yelling. If you yell, I won't listen.
• I am secretly a fat kid. I just have a really good metabolism.
• I keep a running tally of which acne products people recommend that I use. The tally so far this year runs: Proactiv 6, Lemon Juice 3, Tooth paste 2, Noxema 1, Drugs from the Derm. 3. I'm presently using Neutrogena and Aveda. I have tried all the suggestions at some point or another. None worked.
• I don't have a favorite song, but Hands by Jewel is definitely in my top 5.
• And finally last, but not least: I like to drink hot coffee because it makes me think of all the times I've sat with friends and family drinking coffee and just chilling. It's really more of a comfort thing then a desire for energy. (Actually, it kinda mellows me out anyway so...)

So, yeah... lots of stuff about me. Probably not much of it too interesting, but I thought I'd share. So, anything you want to share?

Hungry for Skills

"It's not great, but I'm hungry," my co-worker mused over her food amid conversation over jobs. Maybe that is why we are here. We are hungry for something.

I just realized today that I have been working for Wal*Mart for almost 6 months. Scary thought. This was, in my mind, supposed to be a job just to keep me busy until I found something better. Still nobody is hiring, not really.

I have heard about some maybes, but somehow I just can't make myself believe that, in this time where people with 20 years experience and a PHD are out of work, I have any chance of getting a better job against the competition.

What do I have in my favor? I have some writing skills, I suppose, and an up-front writing style to go with those skills. I am easily adaptable and a quick learner, but then again most everyone claims the same. (I really am though.) I have a life and health insurance sales license. I know enough to edit html but not to write it (unless super simple web pages count). I have some experience with travel and at this point have been to all but one continent. I can cook. I've read a lot of books on business and other subjects. I am an okay artist, though I'm so easily distracted from my own art that I'll probably never be great. I know more about meditation and muscle relaxation then anyone I've met without some sort of certificate on the subject.

And I am smart. As a school councilor once told me after a conversation and a glance at my SAT score, I can do anything. I just don't have a piece of paper to prove it, so I guess I'll develop some more skills until I can find a job where I fit.

Wheel of skills, turn, turn, turn. Tell me the skill that I should learn.

Today's skill is: Business Spanish. Give me a day or two and it'll be second nature. I already know the basics, I'm just a little out of practice.

Now, for your entertainment, here are the main phrases I need for my present job:

Hola. ¿Como esta? Bien, gracias.

¿Encontró usted todo bien hoy? Si.

¿Querría usted solicitar una tarjeta de crédito de Wal-Mart? No.

Tenga un día bueno.

For my next job? Who knows. I guess it couldn't hurt to be prepared. Tune in next time for more fun "skills."

A Search for a Better Me

Today I think I'll begin to search to find a better me...

A me who is not afraid

A me who does what she must do

Not because of what they've said

But because my heart tells me to.

A me who writes with passion

A me who writes daily

Who makes meet the black and the white

And does so gayly.

A me who cooks often

A me who cooks not to pass time

But crafts dishes with panache

Because I expect the sublime.

A me who is not discouraged

A me who believes the impossible dream

Who doesn't listen to the naysayers

Because this little girl is more the she seems.

Happy New Year to all! If 2010 really was the last year what would you do? Now do it!

Spinning

I feel like I'm falling apart right now. I watch the moon through the trees and consider the manga that I have up in another tab and try to forget about how my heart hurts in this moment.

I need a good argument, a good conversation, a good hug and something to drink that will wake up the taste buds on the back of my tongue. I need to be able to release all my energy with my own effort.

Maybe I should start running again. Just need a low traffic area where I will be visible (just in case) and won't get distracted by random stuff going on in the background. Even thinking about it makes my knee tighten a little of its own accord though, so maybe not.

I feel the scar there, and think of the less defined one on the other knee. Life leaves scars on people who go through it. One or two of my invisible scars have been tightening lately too.

My invisible scars aren't hard to find. You will know them by my reaction that is not unlike how I react to when people touch my tangible scars. I pull away and go from my usually relatively mellow state to ready to fight if that area is further irritated. I fight for my friends, I fight for my family and I fight for my scars, that others may be saved from enduring them.

I'm backed into a corner now though, and the only thing anyone seems to want to talk about is those scars and what to do about them. Sorry folks, rubbing Vitamin E on the tangible scars didn't make them disappear, and four years of college won't magically solve all my job frustrations. Thanks for the advise though, really.

I know its my fault though. I keep pointing out my own scars and leave them in the open for you to poke and prod at. Who can resist doing something about what is right in front of them?

So, make a decision, my inner voice orders. What am I going to do? Right here, right now. What is it that I am working towards because if you aren't working towards it you are just wasting time and ultimately working against the very things you claim to desire.

I want to cook. I want to write. I want to see the world.

1 of 3. Unacceptable, and that only part time at that.

So, I must cook or travel. Not later. Not a year from now. Not 6 months from now. Now. This moment is when my fate is decided (if you can call anything that one has so much input in fate). My mind spins like a sword on its handle.

I'm sorry my friends, for when the sword lands I will have to meet my own expectations of myself. Everything else is just excess.

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 5)

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that
would hold me.

I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me
I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Don't Give Up

I presently have a very un-glamorous job, but, despite the ideas that Wal-Mart's promotional material instills, this is not a career, at least not to me. The scary part is that for many people there it is a career. Don't get me wrong. Wal-Mart is probably one of the best jobs I've had thus far pay and benefits wise (not to mention relatively reliable breaks), but if I had to deal with people yelling at me over $2 on a jacket for more then a year or two I'd snap. (And two years would be really pushing it.)

The people who work at Wal-Mart aren't the high school drop outs that my parents seem to assume they'd be either. The girl who trained me is finishing off a two year business degree this December. One of the night cashiers has a master's degree and used to teach 4th grade at the elementary school I went to. One of the cart pushers had scholarship offers from elite colleges all over the U.S. but decided to go to LG College because he wanted to stay close to home. The list continues, but the fact that these people have potential isn't my point. (Give me a min. I'm getting there.)

This economy yields some interesting insight into people and what they are willing to do and give up doing in order to get by. It is equally interesting to watch what people aren't willing to give up. People give up name brands, new clothes, more expensive foods and other such extravagancies. People don't seem to want to get rid of other things that have an equal if not greater impact on what they spend though, like gourmet pet food and impulse purchases at the register.

Look a little deeper though. What else are we sacrificing to just get by? Looking at the people who have been cashiers or door greeters at Wal-Mart for 10-15 years, I can't help but wondering how many of us are sacrificing our dreams for that tiny bit of financial stability. Overhearing some of the conversations that go on in the check out line, I sometimes get the urge to reach out to the speaker, shake them and say, "Do what you can! Go for your dreams! Don't go on always saying maybe tomorrow! Tomorrow never comes!" I don't say anything though, and they go on talking about what they are giving up. By lent, there will be nothing left to give up except impulse purchases, if things keep going the way they are going now.

Really I want to cry for them. For the dreams they are leaving behind... It is so sad, but few are brave enough to chase their dreams. Am I brave or stupid to attempt to chase mine? Or is it, as such things often prove to be a combination of bravery and stupidity?

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 11)

Listen! I will be honest with you,
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes,
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is call'd riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin'd, you hardly
settle yourself to satisfaction before you are call'd by an irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you,
What beckonings of love you receive you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach'd hands toward you.