Meditation

I love driving at night. It seems good for the soul somehow, to move effortlessly through the quiet roads under a gentle light. It helps me think too.

I had a question earlier, but the person I needed to ask didn't answer so for now I'm releasing it.

Breath in.... peace, calm, confidence.

Breath out... doubt, worry, panic.

Breath in... I'm going to make it.

Breath out...

Lately my life seems to have become a series of meditations. I go into an almost meditative state of focus while at work that allows me to get things done reasonably quickly, forget other concerns that would only distract me and makes time seem to pass more quickly. I am forever meditative in my writing. I repeat my own mantra as I fall asleep.

Driving is the best though. When I am in the car alone is the only time when I feel totally free to let go and focus on the space around me and within me. It is my space. I am free to be me in it.

When I am alone in the car, the object(s) of my meditation tends to affect my driving. If I'm focused on good things, I tend to drive like a grandma. If I'm trying to figure out a problem, I drive like a stunt man evading police custody. I try not to meditate on problems while driving too often.

Meditation comes easy for me though. It is like the white hot flash of pain when your mind goes entirely blank, without the pain. Simple and automatic... easy.

I let my foot off the accelerator. Hello again, Exit 18. Time to plot out what I've found in this short meditation on paper. Perhaps then the answer will make itself clear...

...if indeed there is an answer.

A Post Pertaining to Scott, me and the Many Questions that are Currently Floating Through my Head

2 months until I bravely march where no Blackwell girl has marched before (at least not in the last half century): Down the aisle.

I'm a bit nervous at this point. Family pressure from all angles is getting to me. That is of course on top of the pressure I put on myself to be the most super awesome person I know. (Yes, this is how my brain describes it, and with super awesome people like y'all as friends its a lot to live up to.)

I want to turn to everyone and no one all at the same time to just sort out how I feel about the whole thing. I want to get married. Yes, I do love him. I think we can make it (financially, romantically, career-wise, etc). I want to do this.

The real kicker of the questions is this though: Do I think we're ready? Honestly, no. If by ready, you mean prepared for all of life's unexpected craziness, then I don't think it is possible to be. A Batman Beyond quote comes to mind on this, "... expect the unexpected."

I'm going into it about like I go into most major decisions though. I've gotten to know the people involved (me and him). I've done research to see what to keep an eye out for and to really focus on and to see what made other people succeed or fail. I've observed others as much as possible. But am I ready? Am I prepared? Can anyone ever be?

*sigh* I guess I'll just hope for the best and go for it. I know what I want out of life and as Shel Silverstein once made clear so pointedly, the "What ifs" are just distractions that keep us up at night.

I know what I want out of my life, and marrying the man I love is one of those things that I want. There are still a million questions in my mind, but the really important ones already have clear answers. Isn't that what really matters?

I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher

They say we're young and we don't know

We won't find out until we grow

Well I don't know if all that's true

'Cause you got me, and baby I got you

Babe

I got you babe

I got you babe

They say our love won't pay the rent

Before it's earned, our money's all been spent

I guess that's so, we don't have a pot

But at least I'm sure of all the things we got

Babe

I got you babe

I got you babe

I got flowers in the spring

I got you to wear my ring

And when I'm sad, you're a clown

And if I get scared, you're always around

Don't let them say your hair's too long

'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong

Then put your little hand in mine

There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

Babe

I got you babe

I got you babe

I got you to hold my hand

I got you to understand

I got you to walk with me

I got you to talk with me

I got you to kiss goodnight

I got you to hold me tight

I got you, I won't let go

I got you to love me so

I got you babe...

The Girl who Played with Fire

I just finished reading The Girl who Played with Fire, the second book in the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson, and have been considering the characters. As a teacher once told me, a good book will make you think, a great book can change your life. In my opinion, this series could easily go into the latter category. It definitely made me think, yet it seems to call for something more from the reader.

The story centers around genius hacker, Lisbeth Salander, and crusading journalist, Mikael Blomkvist who find themselves facing off against criminals in their own unique ways. The main focus of the novel is the sex trade in Sweden, and a large part of the novel deals with why the sex trade is still able to flourish despite strict government regulations. Ultimately, it is a detective story though. Blomkvist tries to find the people who killed his friends and colleagues, while Salander tries to find and get back at the people who are responsible for putting her head on the chopping block. The novel is a bit dark at times, but that is really to be expected considering the content.

The series seems like a cross between Sherlock Holmes, All the President's Men and Sex in the City, if you can imagine that. The Girl who Played with Fire moved a little slower at some points then The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but somehow in less then a week I found myself on the other end of the book and wanting more. Unfortunately, the final book in the series, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, won't be out until May 25. The really sad part is the fact that this will be the last we get to read from Larsson, due to his untimely death a month before the first book went on sale in Sweden. I guess, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that the rumored 4th book will be published at some point, but even if it isn't, Larsson's work was more then enough to reignite my love of mysteries.

I give The Girl who Played with Fire 4.5 stars out of 5.

Makes me want to go dig up some more mysteries to read...

... or solve a mystery or two of my own.