My granddad is in the hospital now for a blood clot that somehow came up on the x-rays despite the fact that he is on blood thinners. When I see him I still think of sitting on the arm of his giant lazy boy when I was little and staying up way past my bed time to see if the Braves would win the game. Most of the time I didn't even stay awake until the end of the game, but I guess who won didn't matter as much as actually watching the game anyway.
He's worried about me and the fact that I'm not in college and that my lack of diploma will keep me from opportunities. I want to allay his concerns, but with my actual writing projects going so slowly, and my greatest job triumph over the past few months being that I am quote "Manager material," I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm not worried about my future. I know that whatever I do will work out, one way or another, and that if I work hard I'll do alright. (I expect way more of myself then alright, but we won't go into that right now.)
I don't like people worrying about me though. It feels weird somehow. And honestly I don't worry too much about most people I know. I like to talk to them, and I try to be helpful/supportive, but whether they succeed or fail is up to them and their efforts. We are only supporting characters in each other's lives, but we are each the star of our own world.
We each take the stage and play the part that we choose for ourselves. I refuse to let my story be anything but what I shape it to be. My life, my story, is and will continue to be a story of victory over my own life. Some craziness gets thrown in on me every now in then, but I am determined to shape it, so that it will not shape me.
Funny even as I say that, I can't help but picture a cartoon version of me (basically shorter with brighter colors) trying to push a giant globe. I guess that's how I feel some days. I'm too small to move the world on my own, but I'm too hard headed not to try. I like to think that maybe God will help, but my personal theory on God is that he makes things happen primarily when hope and strength are at their breaking points, like a scientist only adjusting a pendulum when it is hit so hard that it will soon fall off of what holds it aloft. Maybe that's a sacrilegious idea, but it seems to fit.
From out of nowhere, I recall a quote that seems to fit my mood: "Today is the first day of the rest of our lives." That it is. Will I be make it in the big bad world? Probably. Will I be hugely successful and do great things? Maybe. Will I meet my own ridiculously high expectations of myself? Ha ha. I'm not even entirely sure that's possible, but you can bet that I'm going to try. I will drive myself to achieve feats that I know need to be achieved because I know that some feats need to be achieved.
A guy once asked me what my story was, (and I don't know if you are reading this now, but) here is the real answer:
I saw that some things needed to be done in the world, so I decided that I would do them. Even though I'm only a small person, I have to try.
In the meantime, I really should try to sleep. Apparently it is supposed to be good for you. Who knew?
***(Note to my grammatically inclined friends: Yes, I know that I probably have a ton and a half of run on sentences in this post, but at 4 am I couldn't care less.)***
1 comment:
I used to steal my grandpa's coffee while he was cutting the grass, and play salon stylist with his hair. :P
I know what you mean about worries. And as far as my family is concerned, worrying about me feels more often like a prejudgment that I'm doing things the wrong way. Every time I see my Aunt Janet she remarks that she's "So glad I stayed in school." She apparently worries about it all the time, like I'm just ten seconds away from dropping out. And like if I did, it would be the world's end.
I hope your insomnia got better and you were able to sleep. Reading your blog is encouraging, though--knowing there are other people out there that think about things and have expectations and standards. So I'm somewhat selfishly glad that you had insomnia.
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