Why I'm not going back to Berry this semester

"You really need to think about going back to school soon," my uncle told me in his most serious voice today after lunch.  Funny, I don't think anyone realizes just how much they're asking when they suggest that I return to school.

Flash back to spring:  I'm packing up all my stuff in the dorm.  I run across a second doctor's prescription for anti-depressants.  It had never been filled and never would be.  I through it in the trash with a slight flash of a grin at what the school shrink would think if he knew what I did with all his prescriptions.

Things were going downhill fast at school.  I kept falling asleep in class as professors droned on about the same s*** that was taught in high school, and when I didn't fall asleep I just zoned out for the whole class time.  It wasn't even that I didn't care so much as I couldn't seem to find a reason to care about the constant review.

I wanted to do something, create something and see things, meet people, all that jazz.  I still do.  That is why, the night after I went swimming in the Ford fountains at 3 am, I decided that I was leaving college and wasn't coming back unless somebody gave me a damn good reason why college counts for then a piece of paper saying that you went to class, did the reading and managed not to sleep through the final.

3 months later I don't know what to do.  I have painted a few things, cooked a little, and even worked on my drawing skills, but nothing major has been accomplished.  I have simply satisfied the the minimum requirements for not getting kicked out of the house.  I am still looking for direction, but in the very least I know where I'm not going.  I am not going to endure another 2 years of mind numbing torture for a piece of paper.  

There is a better way, and I will find it.

That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character. 

-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

What if.

What if I'm not meant to follow the "normal" path

What if I go another way

What if for once I get brave

What if I find a new game to play

What if it doesn't matter

If your right and I am wrong

What if it is time to move on

And write my own life's song

What if I succeed 

What if I fail

What if....

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world." -Lily Tomlin

Assume Survival Float

When floating in water for extended periods of time, it is important to remember the correct methodology for a survival float.  The survival float allows one to stay afloat for periods of time that would not be possible using other methods.

You may sink below the surface at times, but so long as you don't panic you will be okay.

It may seem like it is taking forever for help to arrive, but it is important to remain calm and continue floating.

Make sure to keep filling up your lungs all the way.

Relax.  Breath deep and don't panic.  Only 6 weeks left... then land and rest.

My life

I'm still trying to find a way out of this box I'm stuck in, and ran into an article in an old issue of Time on the subject.  Here is what it said:

So what do we learn from all this? Quit school? Go back to school? Walk away from our comfy, high-paying job? Run away to a Caribbean island? Bronson's subjects try all these solutions and more, but he has the good grace to spare us easy answers. The fact is, we already know from self-help gurus what to do. Follow your dreams. Never give up. Believe in yourself. The answers to the ultimate question are often cliches, and that doesn't mean they're wrong — they're just not very helpful. What's helpful is seeing that other people are trying too, even if they're failing.

Bronson is a fan of failure. "Failure's hard," he writes, "but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever." Bronson believes, and his stories prove, that failure is how you eliminate the wrong turns on the way to the right one.  -Hint: It's Not Plastics, by Lev Grossman, Time

But, this still leaves me asking what are my dreams?  Am I strong enough to still believe in myself when I have failed so many times before?

Is television bad for children?

Today's blog is brought to you by my contemporary persuasion class, and all the wonderful people in there that I will be speaking in front of today.

The Problem:
Children are watching large amounts of violent programing and are becoming violent themselves. This fact is clearly evidenced by the recent accidental killing involving a little boy who killed his sister when he practiced a wrestling move that he saw on tv on her.

Case study
Case study 2

Why is this happening?
Television does influence our actions, and it influences children even more then adults. Children mimic what they see on tv. Unfortunately, what they see on tv is fighting, shooting, stabbing and other forms of violence.Too many violent shows on television during hours when the most impressionable viewers are watching.

Family Guy example

What can we do about it?
Some special interest groups are advocating safe times when major stations will cut down on violent programing during times when more children are watching. The focus for this method is on the hours when children are just arriving home from school.

Another way to protect children from the effects of violent programing, is to make easier and more readily available parental controls for televisions. This form of parental control was the goal of the Telecommunications Act of 1996 that made it a requirement for television makers to install a chip that would block violent programing using a rating system that the networks devised.

"Most critic[s] feel that the V-chip, a form of rating system, will fail in its effectiveness to monitor children as it has a proven history of failure in the past. Ratings such as "NC-17" had to be changed from "XXX", simply because it was becoming a symbol in modern culture, and became more of a right of passage for youth, rather than a deterrent." -Through the Wires

Rut

I've been very conflicted about where I'm going lately.  I distract myself and deflect, but I can't help but realize that this process of sitting in dark rooms, listening to professors go on and on with their favorite process, repetition.  

So much...

...stagnation...

...here.

I can't stretch here.  I can't grow.  I can barely move.  This is hell on earth for me.  This forced attention to details that I'm only trying to make myself care about.  This isn't going to work.  I'm leaving.  

Only a few questions remain:

1. When?
2. Where will I go?
3. How will will I explain to the family?

I know that I am going though and have a rough idea of what I will do when I get there.  At least its a start.

Out of it

It's round 3 and I'm down for the count.  Too beaten and bruised to care as the hand slaps the floor.  I gave it a good run, but I've lost.  And no one ever writes about those who tried and failed.  It is the winner who tells the tale.  

Then out of nowhere a hand reaches down to pull me to my feet.  

"It is time for you to move on to a different ring," a voice whispers.  

I just nod.  I saw this coming all along.

I don't know how to get there, but I know where I'm going, so I take a deep breath and take a shaky step in that direction.

Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt that said, "Do at least one thing that scares you every day?"  

Good advice. 

God has a funny sense of humor....