A Search for a Better Me

Today I think I'll begin to search to find a better me...

A me who is not afraid

A me who does what she must do

Not because of what they've said

But because my heart tells me to.

A me who writes with passion

A me who writes daily

Who makes meet the black and the white

And does so gayly.

A me who cooks often

A me who cooks not to pass time

But crafts dishes with panache

Because I expect the sublime.

A me who is not discouraged

A me who believes the impossible dream

Who doesn't listen to the naysayers

Because this little girl is more the she seems.

Happy New Year to all! If 2010 really was the last year what would you do? Now do it!

Spinning

I feel like I'm falling apart right now. I watch the moon through the trees and consider the manga that I have up in another tab and try to forget about how my heart hurts in this moment.

I need a good argument, a good conversation, a good hug and something to drink that will wake up the taste buds on the back of my tongue. I need to be able to release all my energy with my own effort.

Maybe I should start running again. Just need a low traffic area where I will be visible (just in case) and won't get distracted by random stuff going on in the background. Even thinking about it makes my knee tighten a little of its own accord though, so maybe not.

I feel the scar there, and think of the less defined one on the other knee. Life leaves scars on people who go through it. One or two of my invisible scars have been tightening lately too.

My invisible scars aren't hard to find. You will know them by my reaction that is not unlike how I react to when people touch my tangible scars. I pull away and go from my usually relatively mellow state to ready to fight if that area is further irritated. I fight for my friends, I fight for my family and I fight for my scars, that others may be saved from enduring them.

I'm backed into a corner now though, and the only thing anyone seems to want to talk about is those scars and what to do about them. Sorry folks, rubbing Vitamin E on the tangible scars didn't make them disappear, and four years of college won't magically solve all my job frustrations. Thanks for the advise though, really.

I know its my fault though. I keep pointing out my own scars and leave them in the open for you to poke and prod at. Who can resist doing something about what is right in front of them?

So, make a decision, my inner voice orders. What am I going to do? Right here, right now. What is it that I am working towards because if you aren't working towards it you are just wasting time and ultimately working against the very things you claim to desire.

I want to cook. I want to write. I want to see the world.

1 of 3. Unacceptable, and that only part time at that.

So, I must cook or travel. Not later. Not a year from now. Not 6 months from now. Now. This moment is when my fate is decided (if you can call anything that one has so much input in fate). My mind spins like a sword on its handle.

I'm sorry my friends, for when the sword lands I will have to meet my own expectations of myself. Everything else is just excess.

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 5)

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that
would hold me.

I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me
I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Don't Give Up

I presently have a very un-glamorous job, but, despite the ideas that Wal-Mart's promotional material instills, this is not a career, at least not to me. The scary part is that for many people there it is a career. Don't get me wrong. Wal-Mart is probably one of the best jobs I've had thus far pay and benefits wise (not to mention relatively reliable breaks), but if I had to deal with people yelling at me over $2 on a jacket for more then a year or two I'd snap. (And two years would be really pushing it.)

The people who work at Wal-Mart aren't the high school drop outs that my parents seem to assume they'd be either. The girl who trained me is finishing off a two year business degree this December. One of the night cashiers has a master's degree and used to teach 4th grade at the elementary school I went to. One of the cart pushers had scholarship offers from elite colleges all over the U.S. but decided to go to LG College because he wanted to stay close to home. The list continues, but the fact that these people have potential isn't my point. (Give me a min. I'm getting there.)

This economy yields some interesting insight into people and what they are willing to do and give up doing in order to get by. It is equally interesting to watch what people aren't willing to give up. People give up name brands, new clothes, more expensive foods and other such extravagancies. People don't seem to want to get rid of other things that have an equal if not greater impact on what they spend though, like gourmet pet food and impulse purchases at the register.

Look a little deeper though. What else are we sacrificing to just get by? Looking at the people who have been cashiers or door greeters at Wal-Mart for 10-15 years, I can't help but wondering how many of us are sacrificing our dreams for that tiny bit of financial stability. Overhearing some of the conversations that go on in the check out line, I sometimes get the urge to reach out to the speaker, shake them and say, "Do what you can! Go for your dreams! Don't go on always saying maybe tomorrow! Tomorrow never comes!" I don't say anything though, and they go on talking about what they are giving up. By lent, there will be nothing left to give up except impulse purchases, if things keep going the way they are going now.

Really I want to cry for them. For the dreams they are leaving behind... It is so sad, but few are brave enough to chase their dreams. Am I brave or stupid to attempt to chase mine? Or is it, as such things often prove to be a combination of bravery and stupidity?

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 11)

Listen! I will be honest with you,
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes,
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is call'd riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin'd, you hardly
settle yourself to satisfaction before you are call'd by an irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you,
What beckonings of love you receive you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach'd hands toward you.

For everything else...

Ok so, I admit that I have been looking for "myself." Even as I type it I want to make fun of it, but there it is, the simple fact that I have been attempting to do for the last few months, what so many college age people do. The reason for the constant (and often deserved) satire on this topic is frighteningly clear to me at this close range. After all, what is there to look for? I've been here the whole time.

Really, what it seems to come down to is not so much finding oneself as re-finding oneself. I already know who I am (a pretty cool person if I do say so myself), what I love to do (write) and what I'm passionate about (traveling to really cool places and doing really cool stuff with really cool people).

The problem comes when you sit down and look at the career options and have to try to match what you are with which of the pre-designated acceptable career choices you want to go for. Somehow, travel writer never gets taken seriously as a proposed career path, so my real problem is what can I do that will not hinder what I am passionate about, which is really a bummer of a process when you get right down to it. I mean, who wants to spend the majority of their life doing a job that on the best days simply allows you not to be miserable?

As you've probably already gathered from previous posts, my goal is to be exceptional, so what would an exceptional person do in my place? They'd find a way to do what they love and get paid enough not to worry about overdraft fees, bills or other such annoyances. How can I make my love of travel and addiction to writing pay? Travel agents aren't doing so hot right now, so I'll put that near the bottom of the options list... below tour guide (because while fun in theory, there are only so many times I could answer the same stupid questions about any given place before my patience ran out).

So, I scan my list and check behind door number 3, only to find what I've always thought was awesome anyway, my best case scenario, if you will. Promise you won't laugh?

I want to own a bed & breakfast and close shop to travel during the low season. Sounds fun, right? It would keep me constantly occupied with the things I love, while minimizing the things that get on my last nerve. There are, of course, some big positives and negatives for me on this idea though.

Positives:

• I would be in the travel industry. Woot!
• I could travel (and write) for roughly 1-3 months out of a year.
• I would have a good crowd to help eat-up/give feedback on all my baking experiments.
• I'd need to live near somewhere super cool (location, location, location)
• My job would be to help people enjoy their vacation and find super cool stuff to see/do.

Negatives:

• Breakfast implies morning. I am not a morning person.
• High start up costs.
• Obnoxious guests.
• The cool place that I'd need to be located near would probably have traffic. (grrr...)

When I list it out, I can't help thinking of that credit card commercial. You know. "Backpack: $35, Plane tickets: $213, Dinner: $16, Seeing the World: Priceless."

Is it a realistic idea? Honestly, I have no idea. Does it sound exciting, fun and worth the time and effort? I think so. It definitely heads my career ideas list. First I have to actually own a building though. Baby steps...

What I do know is this idea is about the closest I've gotten to a career idea that I would really love, and like the commercial says, "There are some things money can't buy..."

Changes

There is so much that I want to say, but there is no good place to start. Just like there is so much that I want to do, but I can't seem to find a path that will take me to all the places I want to go and the things I want/need to do.

I've been thinking about relationships with people a lot more then usual lately. Last week I saw my ex-boyfriend, and he didn't recognize me. At first I was a little insulted, but the more I think about it, the more I realize why. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm not the same person I was a month ago or 10 years ago. For better or for worse I am fundamentally different from what and who I have been. I like to think I've grown.

A year ago, I thought the torture of college was the only way to get a decent job/career. Now I'm finding my own path, and while I won't even begin to pretend that a job at Wally World is the end all be all, it gives me the chance to find new things and in the meantime I am on or above par compared with many friends and even the parents of many of my friends.

2 years ago, I thought that it was okay to put what my family wants before what I want. Now I know that there advice is just that: advice. What I do is my decision because only I can live my life.

3 years ago, I thought that if I didn't have somebody to stand beside me, I would fall. Now I have stood on my own often enough to know that when you stand alone a strength that you did not know you had comes to support you against the turbulence that you must face. Having somebody to stand with me is nice, but if nobody can/will stand with me then I will still be able to survive, and quite possibly thrive.

5 years ago, I truly believed that if you called someone on the phone and hung out with them then you were friends. Now I know that friends are the people who are willing to support you when you aren't even sure if you're worth supporting. (Thanks to Adam K, Richard D and Scott H for being there when I needed it the most.)

10 years ago, I thought that all I needed to do was go to school and be a "good girl" in order to become a NASA scientist, a detective (like Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo) or a doctor.

15 years ago, I thought that life was as simple as it seemed on the weekends I spent at my grandparents' house.

I have changed, for better or worse. It is times like this when the lyric "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" comes to mind, especially on some of the things that I learned weren't true too soon. Other things I seem to have discovered too late. This is who I am now though, for this brief moment in time. Only today though. Tomorrow is a new day where I will learn more (both good and bad) and grow even further.

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White (1899 - 1985)