For everything else...

Ok so, I admit that I have been looking for "myself." Even as I type it I want to make fun of it, but there it is, the simple fact that I have been attempting to do for the last few months, what so many college age people do. The reason for the constant (and often deserved) satire on this topic is frighteningly clear to me at this close range. After all, what is there to look for? I've been here the whole time.

Really, what it seems to come down to is not so much finding oneself as re-finding oneself. I already know who I am (a pretty cool person if I do say so myself), what I love to do (write) and what I'm passionate about (traveling to really cool places and doing really cool stuff with really cool people).

The problem comes when you sit down and look at the career options and have to try to match what you are with which of the pre-designated acceptable career choices you want to go for. Somehow, travel writer never gets taken seriously as a proposed career path, so my real problem is what can I do that will not hinder what I am passionate about, which is really a bummer of a process when you get right down to it. I mean, who wants to spend the majority of their life doing a job that on the best days simply allows you not to be miserable?

As you've probably already gathered from previous posts, my goal is to be exceptional, so what would an exceptional person do in my place? They'd find a way to do what they love and get paid enough not to worry about overdraft fees, bills or other such annoyances. How can I make my love of travel and addiction to writing pay? Travel agents aren't doing so hot right now, so I'll put that near the bottom of the options list... below tour guide (because while fun in theory, there are only so many times I could answer the same stupid questions about any given place before my patience ran out).

So, I scan my list and check behind door number 3, only to find what I've always thought was awesome anyway, my best case scenario, if you will. Promise you won't laugh?

I want to own a bed & breakfast and close shop to travel during the low season. Sounds fun, right? It would keep me constantly occupied with the things I love, while minimizing the things that get on my last nerve. There are, of course, some big positives and negatives for me on this idea though.

Positives:

• I would be in the travel industry. Woot!
• I could travel (and write) for roughly 1-3 months out of a year.
• I would have a good crowd to help eat-up/give feedback on all my baking experiments.
• I'd need to live near somewhere super cool (location, location, location)
• My job would be to help people enjoy their vacation and find super cool stuff to see/do.

Negatives:

• Breakfast implies morning. I am not a morning person.
• High start up costs.
• Obnoxious guests.
• The cool place that I'd need to be located near would probably have traffic. (grrr...)

When I list it out, I can't help thinking of that credit card commercial. You know. "Backpack: $35, Plane tickets: $213, Dinner: $16, Seeing the World: Priceless."

Is it a realistic idea? Honestly, I have no idea. Does it sound exciting, fun and worth the time and effort? I think so. It definitely heads my career ideas list. First I have to actually own a building though. Baby steps...

What I do know is this idea is about the closest I've gotten to a career idea that I would really love, and like the commercial says, "There are some things money can't buy..."

Changes

There is so much that I want to say, but there is no good place to start. Just like there is so much that I want to do, but I can't seem to find a path that will take me to all the places I want to go and the things I want/need to do.

I've been thinking about relationships with people a lot more then usual lately. Last week I saw my ex-boyfriend, and he didn't recognize me. At first I was a little insulted, but the more I think about it, the more I realize why. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm not the same person I was a month ago or 10 years ago. For better or for worse I am fundamentally different from what and who I have been. I like to think I've grown.

A year ago, I thought the torture of college was the only way to get a decent job/career. Now I'm finding my own path, and while I won't even begin to pretend that a job at Wally World is the end all be all, it gives me the chance to find new things and in the meantime I am on or above par compared with many friends and even the parents of many of my friends.

2 years ago, I thought that it was okay to put what my family wants before what I want. Now I know that there advice is just that: advice. What I do is my decision because only I can live my life.

3 years ago, I thought that if I didn't have somebody to stand beside me, I would fall. Now I have stood on my own often enough to know that when you stand alone a strength that you did not know you had comes to support you against the turbulence that you must face. Having somebody to stand with me is nice, but if nobody can/will stand with me then I will still be able to survive, and quite possibly thrive.

5 years ago, I truly believed that if you called someone on the phone and hung out with them then you were friends. Now I know that friends are the people who are willing to support you when you aren't even sure if you're worth supporting. (Thanks to Adam K, Richard D and Scott H for being there when I needed it the most.)

10 years ago, I thought that all I needed to do was go to school and be a "good girl" in order to become a NASA scientist, a detective (like Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo) or a doctor.

15 years ago, I thought that life was as simple as it seemed on the weekends I spent at my grandparents' house.

I have changed, for better or worse. It is times like this when the lyric "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" comes to mind, especially on some of the things that I learned weren't true too soon. Other things I seem to have discovered too late. This is who I am now though, for this brief moment in time. Only today though. Tomorrow is a new day where I will learn more (both good and bad) and grow even further.

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White (1899 - 1985)

The Path I'm Going Down

Amid my parents' questions of my maturity and readiness to deal with life, I long simply to sprint off in a direction that has been becoming increasingly clear to me through the voices of writers both near and long since gone. It has been almost half a year since my heart to heart with God in the Ford fountain, but the cryptic words of that night keep coming back to me: "Wait and listen and the road will make itself known."

Yeah, you try explaining that to your parents and see what they say. Some things are simply beyond explanation. You have to see it, to hear it, to understand.

Over this brief break from academia, one idea has keep coming back to m

e again and again. The idea of true education. The fact that what we know is only loosely tied to such publicly acceptable institutions as colleges. How little knowledge of truly great importance is taught between those oft hallowed halls frightens me. Of course I know very little and my knowledge is admittedly quite meager, but this fact does not frighten me. What frightens me is those who claim to have vast knowledge of the world and all that is in it (which is an ostentatious claim at any age).

What has happened to travel as education? Why is someone who wanders through Roman ruins for several months, talking to tour guides and seeing the places where great events occurred, put on lower footing then someone who studies the contributions of the Romans in a college? Why is it more important to know about different economy academically then to talk to people in countries with different economies in person? Why is the piece of paper all that matters?

What is it that we learn in college that makes us better then someone with a little bit of real experiences (work or otherwise) under our belts?

But again, I digress into the college thing...

I guess, ultimately, I just want the chance to experience the world more fully and give that experience to others as well. Not everyone can pay for a full semester's education just to receive 3-12 hrs of credits while studying abroad (which are the main options I've observed in colleges). I want to share the world with my friends by giving them an intimate knowledge of it in the only way that such knowledge can be gained: by seeing it and experiencing it in its full beauty and ugliness, its diversities and similarities.

I want to give this generation a chance to possess the world. (Buddhist arguments about reality and possessing anything aside.) As I once read, you possess only what you know. We must know the world, that we may truly come to be, as a generation, the ones who take ownership over this great place where we live and all the influences that have made us who we are. In short, I want our generation to take ownership of ourselves, fully and completely.

Can we afford to accept anything less from life?

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 15)

Allons! the road is before us!

It is safe--I have tried it--my own feet have tried it well--be not detain'd!

Let the paper remain on the desk unwritten, and the book on the shelf unopen'd!

Let the tools remain in the workshop! let the money remain unearn'd!

Let the school stand! mind not the cry of the teacher!

Let the preacher preach in his pulpit! let the lawyer plead in the court, and the judge expound the law.

Camerado, I give you my hand!

I give you my love more precious than money,

I give you myself before preaching or law;

Will you give me yourself. will you come travel with me?

Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?

Condensed Dreams

Today has been one of those days where for no particular reason I just felt off. Off isn't always a bad thing, but it can so easily go bad that many consider it synonymous with having a bad day. Today wasn't quite bad though.

Today felt like stepping outside of me and seeing all that I am and am trying to be without shields or pretenses. It's a scary feeling.

I decided to go down to Columbus to keep my mind off of it. Still, while I was trying on clothes in a store I saw a thin, almost pretty girl looking back at me in the mirror. Can she do all that I aspire to do? Whatever it is that I aspire to do? There is so much for me to do, and so little me. I don't know where to start.

I feel like I'm in a cloud, trying to find a way to condense my dreams.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

It was 2:30 when I realized that sleep wasn't going to happen, not for a while anyway. Too much is going on in my head, so I resort to facebook, where a friend's post actually reminded me that I've been neglecting the blog. So here I am, it's going on 3 am, I'm wondering how to make some coherent since of all these thoughts that keep flashing through my head and downloading Euro-pop.

My granddad is in the hospital now for a blood clot that somehow came up on the x-rays despite the fact that he is on blood thinners. When I see him I still think of sitting on the arm of his giant lazy boy when I was little and staying up way past my bed time to see if the Braves would win the game. Most of the time I didn't even stay awake until the end of the game, but I guess who won didn't matter as much as actually watching the game anyway.

He's worried about me and the fact that I'm not in college and that my lack of diploma will keep me from opportunities. I want to allay his concerns, but with my actual writing projects going so slowly, and my greatest job triumph over the past few months being that I am quote "Manager material," I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm not worried about my future. I know that whatever I do will work out, one way or another, and that if I work hard I'll do alright. (I expect way more of myself then alright, but we won't go into that right now.)

I don't like people worrying about me though. It feels weird somehow. And honestly I don't worry too much about most people I know. I like to talk to them, and I try to be helpful/supportive, but whether they succeed or fail is up to them and their efforts. We are only supporting characters in each other's lives, but we are each the star of our own world.

We each take the stage and play the part that we choose for ourselves. I refuse to let my story be anything but what I shape it to be. My life, my story, is and will continue to be a story of victory over my own life. Some craziness gets thrown in on me every now in then, but I am determined to shape it, so that it will not shape me.

Funny even as I say that, I can't help but picture a cartoon version of me (basically shorter with brighter colors) trying to push a giant globe. I guess that's how I feel some days. I'm too small to move the world on my own, but I'm too hard headed not to try. I like to think that maybe God will help, but my personal theory on God is that he makes things happen primarily when hope and strength are at their breaking points, like a scientist only adjusting a pendulum when it is hit so hard that it will soon fall off of what holds it aloft. Maybe that's a sacrilegious idea, but it seems to fit.

From out of nowhere, I recall a quote that seems to fit my mood: "Today is the first day of the rest of our lives." That it is. Will I be make it in the big bad world? Probably. Will I be hugely successful and do great things? Maybe. Will I meet my own ridiculously high expectations of myself? Ha ha. I'm not even entirely sure that's possible, but you can bet that I'm going to try. I will drive myself to achieve feats that I know need to be achieved because I know that some feats need to be achieved.

A guy once asked me what my story was, (and I don't know if you are reading this now, but) here is the real answer:

I saw that some things needed to be done in the world, so I decided that I would do them. Even though I'm only a small person, I have to try.

In the meantime, I really should try to sleep. Apparently it is supposed to be good for you. Who knew?

***(Note to my grammatically inclined friends: Yes, I know that I probably have a ton and a half of run on sentences in this post, but at 4 am I couldn't care less.)***