Words Read

On Acquired Tastes

2011-05-28T02:22:00.002-04:00

I will never develop a liking for purple vegetables. I like most other foods, and don't consider myself a picky eater, but purple vegetables and I just don't get along. Cabbage, eggplants, those weird purple peppers, whenever I try to eat them, they all make me feel immediately physically ill.

I still remember back in elementary school, I ate coleslaw on purpose to get out of having to go back to class... and let me suffice to say that I did not have to say anything further to convince the teacher not to send me to class, or to convince the lunchroom ladies not to serve coleslaw at my lunch hour again for a solid year. Yeah, it was bad.

Most of the time I just avoid them though. I tuck the purple bits of cabbage and radish to the side of my salads as I eat. I smile sweetly and tell people that I simply don't like eggplants. (Understatement of the year.) I only stave off coleslaw like the evil soul sucking food it is with crossed fingers when strangers aren't looking.

Sometimes people insist though, and being the sweet caring person that I am, I don't want to refuse. I learned my lesson fast on being nice about this though. It only happened once. It was an Italian style eggplant casserole. The incident will not be repeated. Now I do like they said to in DARE and just say no.

I can't help but wonder though, what are my "big purple vegetables" in life? What things in life will I never be able to actually like, no matter how hard I try? I am a big supporter or the idea that one can do anything if they really put their all into it, (The only exceptions being: changing the past and defying the physical/chemical nature of something.) but that doesn't mean that I would enjoy doing anything.

I can do math. I am actually pretty good at it. I will never be a mathematician. The vocab. to function cross over is a "purple vegetable to me. I can work the problem all day, but if you ask me to explain what I am doing using mathematical terms, I will freeze up to the point that I can't even do basic math. On an intellectual level, I know I could overcome it, but in every other way I find myself desireless to do so. My brain's gag reflex is instinctual when it comes to the cross over.

Recently I've found myself in the same situation with re-entering the education arena. A metaphorical eggplant casserole has been placed before me, and everyone tells me to eat up because it's good for me. So here I am, wondering if maybe everyone else is right. Maybe this time will be different. It might even be enjoyable. It was made with a different recipe, by a different chef. Maybe this time I will be fine. Maybe...

Maybe you should stand by with a mop and bucket.

Clean-up. Table 4.

Chapter 1: It Begins (Super Rough Draft... OF DOOM!!!)

2011-03-15T22:57:00.017-04:00

A street light flickered in the thick Atlanta air as a thin woman fell face down onto the cold asphalt. The thick shape of a man leaned over her as if daring her to stand. Even by the partial light in the alley she could see the outline of his meticulously braided hair and pants that hung low on his thighs.

No one was there to see her, to help her. Only the man and his companions who stood off, watching.

She rolled and threw a punch with the precision of a fighter. He moved his face away so that the blow barely glanced his cheek, but failed to predict the kick to where the pants and the underwear met.

The other men moved in to hold her against a wall as the man doubled over with a string of explicatives. One of them punched her hard below the ribs to make her stop struggling. The pain was suffocating. The taste of the bile only made it harder to force the air back into her own chest. She couldn't escape.

It was over.

There was no hope.

“Hey! What are you doing there?” yelled a voice from the head of the alley. "I'm calling the police! They're on their way!" Just then a siren sounded in the distance, and the gangsters scattered into the night.

________________________________________

When the world stopped swirling a man was bending down over her. He kept talking, trying to get her attention. She blinked, and her body ached in protest when she tried to sit up. “Ugh…” she moaned.

“Try to be still. An ambulance is on its way,” said the man worriedly.

“Where are cough cough…” she could taste the blood in her mouth.

“Relax,” he encouraged through her coughs. “They’re long gone by now.”

“Good,” she whispered then with a tremble her body went limp. Frantically, the man checked for a pulse. She was still alive.

The police arrived first. After insuring that she wouldn’t die on the sidewalk before the ambulance arrived, they began to question the man. They asked about the woman first. Had he ever met her before? Did he think she might be involved in drugs? Did he know what she had been doing there? No, he answered to all.

Then they asked about the men, but he didn’t know anything about them either. He’d only gotten a brief glance at them from a distance. Two black, one white. All about average height. One of them had a tattoo of some sort on his arm. Not even enough for the police to I.D. them.

The ambulance finally arrived after what seemed like hours, and the medics hurried the woman onto a gurney and into the ambulance. The man thought he heard one of the EMTs say something about a broken rib. Then the door closed and the ambulance skidded off, sirens blaring.

He didn’t know who she was, or how she’d come to be there that night, but he hoped that she would be alright.

I'll probably never see her again though, he thought as he walked out onto the street.

He never heard any more from the police about the incident. Months later, when he looked back, he would wonder whether the surreal incident had been anything more then a strange and violent dream.

Yearbook

2010-05-06T23:51:00.005-04:00

I've been packing up my things to move to... wherever it is Scott and I are going to live in a little over a month... and in the midst of trying to figure out how to make all my yearbooks fit in a box, I ended out flipping one of them open. It was my senior year book. When I read the comments I nearly cried. I miss the people.

Those crazy friends who wrote such great comments in the yearbook before we went our separate ways. Some I haven't seen hide nor hair of since. Some I've grown closer to despite the distance. (Oh, and I may be calling a few of you in the next week or so to take you up on long passed offers of coffee and movies. It would be nice to see you again. Y'all were the best thing about high school.)

Now don't get me wrong, you couldn't pay me enough to want to be a high schooler again. The drama with people, the way nobody took you seriously, the junk... no thank you.

I almost wish I could start out everyday in the drama room though: With Chris flirting with whoever. Becca telling me that I had once more lost my right to dance due the fact that I am too white. Celeste eating the outer glazed part of the donut then trying to convince Justine to take the rest because she doesn't like bread. Guys suddenly deciding they want to try on dresses. Beating Chris and Becca at cards with V. Chilling with the band guys. V's jokes. Yugoslavia, Checkoslovakia...

I guess that part of me is the same part that honestly considered staying at college just so I could go to BCAR once a week, but alas, all the good people were leaving anyway: Rick was gone, so no more of that special brand of humor. Ryan was barely coming, so no one was telling like it is. Robby was gone, so no plan B to watch Supernatural or something equally cool if the pick was lame. Antonio was gone, so no one to make quiet, dark jokes in the back of the room with. Kaitlin seemed emotionally absent from the proceedings with Rita and Antonio gone...

I miss them though.

I want to reach out and be the one to keep in touch despite the rejection inherent to such efforts. I still try though. Sorry to those of you I've canceled on at any point. I know it sucks. Sorry. Some of these people will ultimately become nothing more then fond memories, but a few, at least I hope, will step forward and refuse to be relegated to the past.

I miss you already.

8 a.m. in room 112...

7 p.m. Wed. in the Green basement...

Maybe I'll find a new place to meet friends for some great new memories. Until then, stay in touch.

Meditation

2010-04-14T23:33:00.005-04:00

I love driving at night. It seems good for the soul somehow, to move effortlessly through the quiet roads under a gentle light. It helps me think too.

I had a question earlier, but the person I needed to ask didn't answer so for now I'm releasing it.

Breath in.... peace, calm, confidence.

Breath out... doubt, worry, panic.

Breath in... I'm going to make it.

Breath out...

Lately my life seems to have become a series of meditations. I go into an almost meditative state of focus while at work that allows me to get things done reasonably quickly, forget other concerns that would only distract me and makes time seem to pass more quickly. I am forever meditative in my writing. I repeat my own mantra as I fall asleep.

Driving is the best though. When I am in the car alone is the only time when I feel totally free to let go and focus on the space around me and within me. It is my space. I am free to be me in it.

When I am alone in the car, the object(s) of my meditation tends to affect my driving. If I'm focused on good things, I tend to drive like a grandma. If I'm trying to figure out a problem, I drive like a stunt man evading police custody. I try not to meditate on problems while driving too often.

Meditation comes easy for me though. It is like the white hot flash of pain when your mind goes entirely blank, without the pain. Simple and automatic... easy.

I let my foot off the accelerator. Hello again, Exit 18. Time to plot out what I've found in this short meditation on paper. Perhaps then the answer will make itself clear...

...if indeed there is an answer.

A Post Pertaining to Scott, me and the Many Questions that are Currently Floating Through my Head

2010-04-13T00:29:00.005-04:00

2 months until I bravely march where no Blackwell girl has marched before (at least not in the last half century): Down the aisle.

I'm a bit nervous at this point. Family pressure from all angles is getting to me. That is of course on top of the pressure I put on myself to be the most super awesome person I know. (Yes, this is how my brain describes it, and with super awesome people like y'all as friends its a lot to live up to.)

I want to turn to everyone and no one all at the same time to just sort out how I feel about the whole thing. I want to get married. Yes, I do love him. I think we can make it (financially, romantically, career-wise, etc). I want to do this.

The real kicker of the questions is this though: Do I think we're ready? Honestly, no. If by ready, you mean prepared for all of life's unexpected craziness, then I don't think it is possible to be. A Batman Beyond quote comes to mind on this, "... expect the unexpected."

I'm going into it about like I go into most major decisions though. I've gotten to know the people involved (me and him). I've done research to see what to keep an eye out for and to really focus on and to see what made other people succeed or fail. I've observed others as much as possible. But am I ready? Am I prepared? Can anyone ever be?

*sigh* I guess I'll just hope for the best and go for it. I know what I want out of life and as Shel Silverstein once made clear so pointedly, the "What ifs" are just distractions that keep us up at night.

I know what I want out of my life, and marrying the man I love is one of those things that I want. There are still a million questions in my mind, but the really important ones already have clear answers. Isn't that what really matters?

I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher

They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow
Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

They say our love won't pay the rent
Before it's earned, our money's all been spent
I guess that's so, we don't have a pot
But at least I'm sure of all the things we got

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

I got flowers in the spring
I got you to wear my ring
And when I'm sad, you're a clown
And if I get scared, you're always around

Don't let them say your hair's too long
'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong
Then put your little hand in mine
There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

I got you to hold my hand
I got you to understand
I got you to walk with me
I got you to talk with me
I got you to kiss goodnight
I got you to hold me tight
I got you, I won't let go
I got you to love me so

I got you babe...

The Girl who Played with Fire

2010-04-05T19:54:00.005-04:00

I just finished reading The Girl who Played with Fire, the second book in the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson, and have been considering the characters. As a teacher once told me, a good book will make you think, a great book can change your life. In my opinion, this series could easily go into the latter category. It definitely made me think, yet it seems to call for something more from the reader.

The story centers around genius hacker, Lisbeth Salander, and crusading journalist, Mikael Blomkvist who find themselves facing off against criminals in their own unique ways. The main focus of the novel is the sex trade in Sweden, and a large part of the novel deals with why the sex trade is still able to flourish despite strict government regulations. Ultimately, it is a detective story though. Blomkvist tries to find the people who killed his friends and colleagues, while Salander tries to find and get back at the people who are responsible for putting her head on the chopping block. The novel is a bit dark at times, but that is really to be expected considering the content.

The series seems like a cross between Sherlock Holmes, All the President's Men and Sex in the City, if you can imagine that. The Girl who Played with Fire moved a little slower at some points then The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but somehow in less then a week I found myself on the other end of the book and wanting more. Unfortunately, the final book in the series, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, won't be out until May 25. The really sad part is the fact that this will be the last we get to read from Larsson, due to his untimely death a month before the first book went on sale in Sweden. I guess, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that the rumored 4th book will be published at some point, but even if it isn't, Larsson's work was more then enough to reignite my love of mysteries.

I give The Girl who Played with Fire 4.5 stars out of 5.

Makes me want to go dig up some more mysteries to read...

... or solve a mystery or two of my own.

About me...

2010-03-11T01:49:00.004-05:00

It's almost 2 am, and I know I should sleep, but I've been so on edge lately that it is giving me weird dreams. It's hard to say precisely what it is that is bothering me. It is a little of everything I suppose... work, family, the living, the nearness of some to death, the inevitable drift of friends, school (or lack there of), wedding stuff, direction....

I suppose what bothers me the most is my inability to relate to people lately. Everything just seems so serious for everyone right now, but only the usual actions will be taken so they just want to talk about it. *sigh* I almost wish I could still do that. I lost the ability to freak out about things without doing something almost 7 years ago. Now I just regress into being totally mellow, even if the situation is terrible, if I even start to believe that I can't do anything about it. (I think it is a security measure that my mind developed out of necessity.) But anywho, enough of that...

So, basically my feeling of not being able to relate to people has prompted me to want to tell more about myself, since I don't really talk about my personal stuff much unless I'm asking for advice. So here are a few facts that few, if any of you know about me. Enjoy! :)

I love hugs, but always worry that somebody is about to leave when I get one, on some level anyway.
My first cd ever was Jimmy Buffett's Banana Wind. My mom ended out kidnapping it, but I still reclaim it whenever I need a pick-me-up. Track 3 is my favorite.
I hate answering machines!!! Especially the preset ones.
I don't think school is as important as learning... I just wish there was a way to get credit for what I do that is anti-curriculum. (Is the college from Accepted still taking students?)
I have been to 35+ countries.
For years my number one rule of dating was don't say yes to guys who give off bad vibes. Number 2? If he can't ask me in person, then the answer is no.
I sometimes worry that I am actually totally loopy, and everyone is just being nice to me because they feel bad for me. It would explain a lot.
My dyslexic tendencies make my reading comprehension higher because I have to really focus on what I'm reading otherwise it won't make any sense. Because of this I will probably never be able to speed read.
I made a 89 in every math class I took from 7-12 grade. (It would have been a 86 in one of those, but I ended out having to take the final because I missed too many days.)
If we have been friends for anywhere over 2 years, I have probably wanted to beat you down anime style at some point. At this point, you probably saw me rub my forehead and ask a follow-up question to whatever you just said.
I do not yell when I get mad. My voice gets level, and I ask you all the questions that I know you don't want to consider while staring you down because I'm not going to let you get away with a lie much less a half-truth this time, and everybody has their tells.
I hate yelling. If you yell, I won't listen.
I am secretly a fat kid. I just have a really good metabolism.
I keep a running tally of which acne products people recommend that I use. The tally so far this year runs: Proactiv 6, Lemon Juice 3, Tooth paste 2, Noxema 1, Drugs from the Derm. 3. I'm presently using Neutrogena and Aveda. I have tried all the suggestions at some point or another. None worked.
I don't have a favorite song, but Hands by Jewel is definitely in my top 5.
And finally last, but not least: I like to drink hot coffee because it makes me think of all the times I've sat with friends and family drinking coffee and just chilling. It's really more of a comfort thing then a desire for energy. (Actually, it kinda mellows me out anyway so...)

So, yeah... lots of stuff about me. Probably not much of it too interesting, but I thought I'd share. So, anything you want to share?

Becoming my Own Hero: Day 3

2010-02-07T23:50:00.003-05:00

While attempting to be industrious with my time today, I discovered how much time I waste zoning out while doing things...

It's a lot. I zone out and comment on things on facebook. I zone out and end out updating stuff on iTunes for hours on end. I zone out and clean off a single section of my room. (I'm putting off the cleanliness part of Ben's virtues because I know it could take hours if not days to get my room and closet to the point of being clean and concise.)

Awareness is the first step though, right?

Despite discovering my weakness when it comes to time management, today was fairly productive. I actually exercised for the first time in a while. I ran/jogged/walked a mile at the track and stretched my muscles. I hadn't realized how tight I had let my upper leg muscles today. Ultimately the exercise experience today was a series of good pains. The cold air burned my lungs and my legs complained ferociously from the movement, but it felt good to be out and moving again.

I should exercise more. Maybe I'll work it into my schedule when I actually get a little better at this whole industry thing. That and the hundred other things I want to do. Hmmm... Exercise or Facebook time... I guess I'll just have to learn to manage that time better.

Becoming my Own Hero: Day 2

2010-02-06T23:54:00.005-05:00

I had work for most of the day, so my efforts for today had to be confined primarily to the late evening. I settled on doing a little research on the eldest of the 3 listed in the previous post, Benjamin Franklin.

Ben was well known as a statesman, a diplomat, an inventor and a lady's man. (The last one always makes me giggle.) He wrote prolifically, but is best known for his biography and his work on Poor Richard's Almanac.

One of his lesser known quirks though was that he strictly judged himself by a set of 13 virtues. The virtues went as follows:

Temperance: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
Order: Let all things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others; (i.e., waste nothing).
Industry: Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and if you speak, speak accordingly.
Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
Moderation: Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or anther’s peace or reputation.
Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

How many times over do I fail to follow so many of these on a daily basis? Perhaps this is a good place to start work on myself. I think I'll start with industry. I really do waste way too much time between facebook, tv and what not.

So, what do you think I need to work on? What do you feel like you need to work on? Does this sound outrageous, impossible or just silly? Why?

"The unexamined life is not worth living." -Socrates

"Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices." -Benjamin Franklin

Becoming my Own Hero: Day 1

2010-02-05T16:01:00.003-05:00

I posted on facebook at the beginning of this year that my goal this year is to become someone who I consider a hero/ role model. So, how do I plan to do this? By doing things that make me into my concept of a heroic figure of course!

First lets start by looking at who I consider the role models for my life:

Amelia Earhart
Henry David Thoreau
Benjamin Franklin

Yes, so 3 very interesting individuals who I hope to accomplish things like they did during my short lifetime. The biggest striking feature of the 3 is their independent spirits though. They were truly incredible because they did things on their own and in their own way. I'm pretty far from that mark right now, but I want to get closer.

Today I have taken steps to help make myself more financially independent by working on a plan to decrease my school debt. It's small, but not owing money for school means I will be in the clear debts-wise which in turn means that I will be able to pursue other things that require finances.

According to a family friend, who is pretty far up the ladder at a local bank, if I go with my plan then I should be out of debt within the next few months and will be able to start investing funds in the very near future. I like that idea.

Time to go for it.

Hungry for Skills

2010-01-13T21:44:00.006-05:00

"It's not great, but I'm hungry," my co-worker mused over her food amid conversation over jobs. Maybe that is why we are here. We are hungry for something.

I just realized today that I have been working for Wal*Mart for almost 6 months. Scary thought. This was, in my mind, supposed to be a job just to keep me busy until I found something better. Still nobody is hiring, not really.

I have heard about some maybes, but somehow I just can't make myself believe that, in this time where people with 20 years experience and a PHD are out of work, I have any chance of getting a better job against the competition.

What do I have in my favor? I have some writing skills, I suppose, and an up-front writing style to go with those skills. I am easily adaptable and a quick learner, but then again most everyone claims the same. (I really am though.) I have a life and health insurance sales license. I know enough to edit html but not to write it (unless super simple web pages count). I have some experience with travel and at this point have been to all but one continent. I can cook. I've read a lot of books on business and other subjects. I am an okay artist, though I'm so easily distracted from my own art that I'll probably never be great. I know more about meditation and muscle relaxation then anyone I've met without some sort of certificate on the subject.

And I am smart. As a school councilor once told me after a conversation and a glance at my SAT score, I can do anything. I just don't have a piece of paper to prove it, so I guess I'll develop some more skills until I can find a job where I fit.

Wheel of skills, turn, turn, turn. Tell me the skill that I should learn.

Today's skill is: Business Spanish. Give me a day or two and it'll be second nature. I already know the basics, I'm just a little out of practice.

Now, for your entertainment, here are the main phrases I need for my present job:

Hola. ¿Como esta? Bien, gracias.

¿Encontró usted todo bien hoy? Si.

¿Querría usted solicitar una tarjeta de crédito de Wal-Mart? No.

Tenga un día bueno.

For my next job? Who knows. I guess it couldn't hurt to be prepared. Tune in next time for more fun "skills."

A Search for a Better Me

2010-01-10T00:02:00.003-05:00

Today I think I'll begin to search to find a better me...

A me who is not afraid

A me who does what she must do

Not because of what they've said

But because my heart tells me to.

A me who writes with passion

A me who writes daily

Who makes meet the black and the white

And does so gayly.

A me who cooks often

A me who cooks not to pass time

But crafts dishes with panache

Because I expect the sublime.

A me who is not discouraged

A me who believes the impossible dream

Who doesn't listen to the naysayers

Because this little girl is more the she seems.

Happy New Year to all! If 2010 really was the last year what would you do? Now do it!

Spinning

2009-12-29T01:46:00.005-05:00

I feel like I'm falling apart right now. I watch the moon through the trees and consider the manga that I have up in another tab and try to forget about how my heart hurts in this moment.

I need a good argument, a good conversation, a good hug and something to drink that will wake up the taste buds on the back of my tongue. I need to be able to release all my energy with my own effort.

Maybe I should start running again. Just need a low traffic area where I will be visible (just in case) and won't get distracted by random stuff going on in the background. Even thinking about it makes my knee tighten a little of its own accord though, so maybe not.

I feel the scar there, and think of the less defined one on the other knee. Life leaves scars on people who go through it. One or two of my invisible scars have been tightening lately too.

My invisible scars aren't hard to find. You will know them by my reaction that is not unlike how I react to when people touch my tangible scars. I pull away and go from my usually relatively mellow state to ready to fight if that area is further irritated. I fight for my friends, I fight for my family and I fight for my scars, that others may be saved from enduring them.

I'm backed into a corner now though, and the only thing anyone seems to want to talk about is those scars and what to do about them. Sorry folks, rubbing Vitamin E on the tangible scars didn't make them disappear, and four years of college won't magically solve all my job frustrations. Thanks for the advise though, really.

I know its my fault though. I keep pointing out my own scars and leave them in the open for you to poke and prod at. Who can resist doing something about what is right in front of them?

So, make a decision, my inner voice orders. What am I going to do? Right here, right now. What is it that I am working towards because if you aren't working towards it you are just wasting time and ultimately working against the very things you claim to desire.

I want to cook. I want to write. I want to see the world.

1 of 3. Unacceptable, and that only part time at that.

So, I must cook or travel. Not later. Not a year from now. Not 6 months from now. Now. This moment is when my fate is decided (if you can call anything that one has so much input in fate). My mind spins like a sword on its handle.

I'm sorry my friends, for when the sword lands I will have to meet my own expectations of myself. Everything else is just excess.

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 5)

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that
would hold me.

I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me
I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Don't Give Up

2009-12-08T00:39:00.004-05:00

I presently have a very un-glamorous job, but, despite the ideas that Wal-Mart's promotional material instills, this is not a career, at least not to me. The scary part is that for many people there it is a career. Don't get me wrong. Wal-Mart is probably one of the best jobs I've had thus far pay and benefits wise (not to mention relatively reliable breaks), but if I had to deal with people yelling at me over $2 on a jacket for more then a year or two I'd snap. (And two years would be really pushing it.)

The people who work at Wal-Mart aren't the high school drop outs that my parents seem to assume they'd be either. The girl who trained me is finishing off a two year business degree this December. One of the night cashiers has a master's degree and used to teach 4th grade at the elementary school I went to. One of the cart pushers had scholarship offers from elite colleges all over the U.S. but decided to go to LG College because he wanted to stay close to home. The list continues, but the fact that these people have potential isn't my point. (Give me a min. I'm getting there.)

This economy yields some interesting insight into people and what they are willing to do and give up doing in order to get by. It is equally interesting to watch what people aren't willing to give up. People give up name brands, new clothes, more expensive foods and other such extravagancies. People don't seem to want to get rid of other things that have an equal if not greater impact on what they spend though, like gourmet pet food and impulse purchases at the register.

Look a little deeper though. What else are we sacrificing to just get by? Looking at the people who have been cashiers or door greeters at Wal-Mart for 10-15 years, I can't help but wondering how many of us are sacrificing our dreams for that tiny bit of financial stability. Overhearing some of the conversations that go on in the check out line, I sometimes get the urge to reach out to the speaker, shake them and say, "Do what you can! Go for your dreams! Don't go on always saying maybe tomorrow! Tomorrow never comes!" I don't say anything though, and they go on talking about what they are giving up. By lent, there will be nothing left to give up except impulse purchases, if things keep going the way they are going now.

Really I want to cry for them. For the dreams they are leaving behind... It is so sad, but few are brave enough to chase their dreams. Am I brave or stupid to attempt to chase mine? Or is it, as such things often prove to be a combination of bravery and stupidity?

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 11)

Listen! I will be honest with you,
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes,
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is call'd riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,
You but arrive at the city to which you were destin'd, you hardly
settle yourself to satisfaction before you are call'd by an irresistible call to depart,
You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you,
What beckonings of love you receive you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting,
You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach'd hands toward you.

For everything else...

2009-11-25T00:27:00.007-05:00

Ok so, I admit that I have been looking for "myself." Even as I type it I want to make fun of it, but there it is, the simple fact that I have been attempting to do for the last few months, what so many college age people do. The reason for the constant (and often deserved) satire on this topic is frighteningly clear to me at this close range. After all, what is there to look for? I've been here the whole time.

Really, what it seems to come down to is not so much finding oneself as re-finding oneself. I already know who I am (a pretty cool person if I do say so myself), what I love to do (write) and what I'm passionate about (traveling to really cool places and doing really cool stuff with really cool people).

The problem comes when you sit down and look at the career options and have to try to match what you are with which of the pre-designated acceptable career choices you want to go for. Somehow, travel writer never gets taken seriously as a proposed career path, so my real problem is what can I do that will not hinder what I am passionate about, which is really a bummer of a process when you get right down to it. I mean, who wants to spend the majority of their life doing a job that on the best days simply allows you not to be miserable?

As you've probably already gathered from previous posts, my goal is to be exceptional, so what would an exceptional person do in my place? They'd find a way to do what they love and get paid enough not to worry about overdraft fees, bills or other such annoyances. How can I make my love of travel and addiction to writing pay? Travel agents aren't doing so hot right now, so I'll put that near the bottom of the options list... below tour guide (because while fun in theory, there are only so many times I could answer the same stupid questions about any given place before my patience ran out).

So, I scan my list and check behind door number 3, only to find what I've always thought was awesome anyway, my best case scenario, if you will. Promise you won't laugh?

I want to own a bed & breakfast and close shop to travel during the low season. Sounds fun, right? It would keep me constantly occupied with the things I love, while minimizing the things that get on my last nerve. There are, of course, some big positives and negatives for me on this idea though.

Positives:

I would be in the travel industry. Woot!
I could travel (and write) for roughly 1-3 months out of a year.
I would have a good crowd to help eat-up/give feedback on all my baking experiments.
I'd need to live near somewhere super cool (location, location, location)
My job would be to help people enjoy their vacation and find super cool stuff to see/do.

Negatives:

Breakfast implies morning. I am not a morning person.
High start up costs.
Obnoxious guests.
The cool place that I'd need to be located near would probably have traffic. (grrr...)

When I list it out, I can't help thinking of that credit card commercial. You know. "Backpack: $35, Plane tickets: $213, Dinner: $16, Seeing the World: Priceless."

Is it a realistic idea? Honestly, I have no idea. Does it sound exciting, fun and worth the time and effort? I think so. It definitely heads my career ideas list. First I have to actually own a building though. Baby steps...

What I do know is this idea is about the closest I've gotten to a career idea that I would really love, and like the commercial says, "There are some things money can't buy..."

Changes

2009-11-02T22:55:00.004-05:00

There is so much that I want to say, but there is no good place to start. Just like there is so much that I want to do, but I can't seem to find a path that will take me to all the places I want to go and the things I want/need to do.

I've been thinking about relationships with people a lot more then usual lately. Last week I saw my ex-boyfriend, and he didn't recognize me. At first I was a little insulted, but the more I think about it, the more I realize why. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm not the same person I was a month ago or 10 years ago. For better or for worse I am fundamentally different from what and who I have been. I like to think I've grown.

A year ago, I thought the torture of college was the only way to get a decent job/career. Now I'm finding my own path, and while I won't even begin to pretend that a job at Wally World is the end all be all, it gives me the chance to find new things and in the meantime I am on or above par compared with many friends and even the parents of many of my friends.

2 years ago, I thought that it was okay to put what my family wants before what I want. Now I know that there advice is just that: advice. What I do is my decision because only I can live my life.

3 years ago, I thought that if I didn't have somebody to stand beside me, I would fall. Now I have stood on my own often enough to know that when you stand alone a strength that you did not know you had comes to support you against the turbulence that you must face. Having somebody to stand with me is nice, but if nobody can/will stand with me then I will still be able to survive, and quite possibly thrive.

5 years ago, I truly believed that if you called someone on the phone and hung out with them then you were friends. Now I know that friends are the people who are willing to support you when you aren't even sure if you're worth supporting. (Thanks to Adam K, Richard D and Scott H for being there when I needed it the most.)

10 years ago, I thought that all I needed to do was go to school and be a "good girl" in order to become a NASA scientist, a detective (like Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo) or a doctor.

15 years ago, I thought that life was as simple as it seemed on the weekends I spent at my grandparents' house.

I have changed, for better or worse. It is times like this when the lyric "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" comes to mind, especially on some of the things that I learned weren't true too soon. Other things I seem to have discovered too late. This is who I am now though, for this brief moment in time. Only today though. Tomorrow is a new day where I will learn more (both good and bad) and grow even further.

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White (1899 - 1985)

The Path I'm Going Down

2009-10-23T01:11:00.005-04:00

Amid my parents' questions of my maturity and readiness to deal with life, I long simply to sprint off in a direction that has been becoming increasingly clear to me through the voices of writers both near and long since gone. It has been almost half a year since my heart to heart with God in the Ford fountain, but the cryptic words of that night keep coming back to me: "Wait and listen and the road will make itself known."

Yeah, you try explaining that to your parents and see what they say. Some things are simply beyond explanation. You have to see it, to hear it, to understand.

Over this brief break from academia, one idea has keep coming back to m

e again and again. The idea of true education. The fact that what we know is only loosely tied to such publicly acceptable institutions as colleges. How little knowledge of truly great importance is taught between those oft hallowed halls frightens me. Of course I know very little and my knowledge is admittedly quite meager, but this fact does not frighten me. What frightens me is those who claim to have vast knowledge of the world and all that is in it (which is an ostentatious claim at any age).

What has happened to travel as education? Why is someone who wanders through Roman ruins for several months, talking to tour guides and seeing the places where great events occurred, put on lower footing then someone who studies the contributions of the Romans in a college? Why is it more important to know about different economy academically then to talk to people in countries with different economies in person? Why is the piece of paper all that matters?

What is it that we learn in college that makes us better then someone with a little bit of real experiences (work or otherwise) under our belts?

But again, I digress into the college thing...

I guess, ultimately, I just want the chance to experience the world more fully and give that experience to others as well. Not everyone can pay for a full semester's education just to receive 3-12 hrs of credits while studying abroad (which are the main options I've observed in colleges). I want to share the world with my friends by giving them an intimate knowledge of it in the only way that such knowledge can be gained: by seeing it and experiencing it in its full beauty and ugliness, its diversities and similarities.

I want to give this generation a chance to possess the world. (Buddhist arguments about reality and possessing anything aside.) As I once read, you possess only what you know. We must know the world, that we may truly come to be, as a generation, the ones who take ownership over this great place where we live and all the influences that have made us who we are. In short, I want our generation to take ownership of ourselves, fully and completely.

Can we afford to accept anything less from life?

Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman (part 15)

Allons! the road is before us!
It is safe--I have tried it--my own feet have tried it well--be not detain'd!
Let the paper remain on the desk unwritten, and the book on the shelf unopen'd!
Let the tools remain in the workshop! let the money remain unearn'd!
Let the school stand! mind not the cry of the teacher!
Let the preacher preach in his pulpit! let the lawyer plead in the court, and the judge expound the law.

Camerado, I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself. will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?

Condensed Dreams

2009-10-19T20:04:00.004-04:00

Today has been one of those days where for no particular reason I just felt off. Off isn't always a bad thing, but it can so easily go bad that many consider it synonymous with having a bad day. Today wasn't quite bad though.

Today felt like stepping outside of me and seeing all that I am and am trying to be without shields or pretenses. It's a scary feeling.

I decided to go down to Columbus to keep my mind off of it. Still, while I was trying on clothes in a store I saw a thin, almost pretty girl looking back at me in the mirror. Can she do all that I aspire to do? Whatever it is that I aspire to do? There is so much for me to do, and so little me. I don't know where to start.

I feel like I'm in a cloud, trying to find a way to condense my dreams.

For my guys...

2009-10-16T22:39:00.003-04:00

Guys have always been easier for me to talk to. I don't know if they don't see the abstracts that come with certain conversations, or if they just ignore them, but when you say that you've been bored out of your mind they don't analyze why you're bored, they either suggest something to do or offer to help you find something to do.... Not that I've been bored, but still...

I miss my guys.

I don't see them enough, but can you ever see the people who you feel the closest to often enough? It doesn't help that they seem to be scattered so far away now either, but the time has come for so many of them to chase their own dreams. I wish them all the luck in the world.

More and more, I've come to realize that what really wins me over about people isn't the big things, but the small things. It isn't taking me to a baseball game, so much as staying up and watching the game on tv. Maybe that's why I love these guys. So here is to my guys!

To Clayton, my granddad, who practically raised me on kool-aid, bubblegum and late night sports.

To David, my lil bro, who surprises me with his intelligent comments at times.

To Nathan, my best friend, who has always been there to talk to about whatever, whenever from Star Wars to stuff at home.

To Antonio, my favorite quiet kid ;) and my first real friend at college.

To Robby who introduced me to more shows and movies that I "need to see" then I'll be able to watch in a lifetime.

To D., who saved me from me even if he doesn't know it, who gave a damn when everybody else was off in la la land and will always be a friend even though he is a total ass half the time.

And finally, to Scott, the man who puts up with all my silliness, rants and impetuousness and seems to enjoy it and still asks for more.

Here is to my guys! I just wish every girl was lucky enough to have men like you in her life.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

2009-10-09T02:47:00.003-04:00

It was 2:30 when I realized that sleep wasn't going to happen, not for a while anyway. Too much is going on in my head, so I resort to facebook, where a friend's post actually reminded me that I've been neglecting the blog. So here I am, it's going on 3 am, I'm wondering how to make some coherent since of all these thoughts that keep flashing through my head and downloading Euro-pop.

My granddad is in the hospital now for a blood clot that somehow came up on the x-rays despite the fact that he is on blood thinners. When I see him I still think of sitting on the arm of his giant lazy boy when I was little and staying up way past my bed time to see if the Braves would win the game. Most of the time I didn't even stay awake until the end of the game, but I guess who won didn't matter as much as actually watching the game anyway.

He's worried about me and the fact that I'm not in college and that my lack of diploma will keep me from opportunities. I want to allay his concerns, but with my actual writing projects going so slowly, and my greatest job triumph over the past few months being that I am quote "Manager material," I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm not worried about my future. I know that whatever I do will work out, one way or another, and that if I work hard I'll do alright. (I expect way more of myself then alright, but we won't go into that right now.)

I don't like people worrying about me though. It feels weird somehow. And honestly I don't worry too much about most people I know. I like to talk to them, and I try to be helpful/supportive, but whether they succeed or fail is up to them and their efforts. We are only supporting characters in each other's lives, but we are each the star of our own world.

We each take the stage and play the part that we choose for ourselves. I refuse to let my story be anything but what I shape it to be. My life, my story, is and will continue to be a story of victory over my own life. Some craziness gets thrown in on me every now in then, but I am determined to shape it, so that it will not shape me.

Funny even as I say that, I can't help but picture a cartoon version of me (basically shorter with brighter colors) trying to push a giant globe. I guess that's how I feel some days. I'm too small to move the world on my own, but I'm too hard headed not to try. I like to think that maybe God will help, but my personal theory on God is that he makes things happen primarily when hope and strength are at their breaking points, like a scientist only adjusting a pendulum when it is hit so hard that it will soon fall off of what holds it aloft. Maybe that's a sacrilegious idea, but it seems to fit.

From out of nowhere, I recall a quote that seems to fit my mood: "Today is the first day of the rest of our lives." That it is. Will I be make it in the big bad world? Probably. Will I be hugely successful and do great things? Maybe. Will I meet my own ridiculously high expectations of myself? Ha ha. I'm not even entirely sure that's possible, but you can bet that I'm going to try. I will drive myself to achieve feats that I know need to be achieved because I know that some feats need to be achieved.

A guy once asked me what my story was, (and I don't know if you are reading this now, but) here is the real answer:

I saw that some things needed to be done in the world, so I decided that I would do them. Even though I'm only a small person, I have to try.

In the meantime, I really should try to sleep. Apparently it is supposed to be good for you. Who knew?

***(Note to my grammatically inclined friends: Yes, I know that I probably have a ton and a half of run on sentences in this post, but at 4 am I couldn't care less.)***

Home

2009-09-17T13:26:00.002-04:00

I had Tuesday off from work and the day couldn't have been more needed. There comes a point when you start to not just know that you have limits, but you see them and feel them. They stretch when you push against them like a thin rubber layer surrounding you. Over the last week or two I've been driving full force into them.

On Tuesday, I started to wonder if they would break. For all my efforts to reach out and make myself better I suddenly found myself feeling totally exposed. All of me seemed, in my eyes, to be on display for the world to see. Every decision, every fault, every part of my life that I haven't quite figured out what to do with yet.

In need of somewhere safe to go I turned to what has oddly become my comfort zone: travel. I went to Atlanta and explored the malls, but with the exception of a really awesome chair store there was nothing really worth note. Even the software in the apple store seemed oddly unappealing. It was late in the day when I headed to Rome. The open highway was nice and getting to surprise Scott was even better. That night I discovered a comfort zone that I didn't realize I had left at Berry, my friends. I knew they were there, but to sit down and to actually just be able to enjoy people's company without imposing on their time or having "something that we need to talk about" turned out to be something that I need.

Now, I've never been home sick, and you couldn't pay me enough to want to go back to school, but when I sat down and played a round of BS with Kaitlin, Scott and the others in Krannert it felt like home. I was more at home in that moment then I've probably been the whole time at home.

I guess the old adage is true when it says that it is the people who make the home.

I am still going to go out and stretch my boundaries, and knowing me I will eventually stretch them too far, but now I know where I feel at home.

My meditation room is behind the steering wheel.

My bedroom is wherever I may wake-up in peace.

My dining room is on a beat-up couch in a student center.

My home is wherever I am where I have friends that accept me as is and allow me to accept them for all that they are, and all that they can be.

I once told a man that I wanted to live a life without regrets. I still do. In the meantime though, it is good to know where home is.

Parallels...

2009-09-08T15:07:00.009-04:00

Yesterday I was so sick that for most of the day speaking seemed like a luxury that I could not afford. In the sleepless hours of the night, when I could not sleep for coughing and needing to blow my nose yet again, my mind began to race over a hundred ideas that lay buried just beneath the surface of my consciousness on a normal day. I know what I have to do, but a voice deep within seems to cry with the knowledge that the messenger is almost always the one who gets shot.

Is it any surprise that a night like that gave birth to a day like today, where suddenly I had no greater desire then to accomplish my insignificant projects that I still hope will build into something greater?

Even recovering as I was, it seemed so worth while to stand in the heat of the blazing sun to hear the thoughts of a few people who I deeply respect, not because of what anyone says about them, but because of what no one can say about them. It is strange to find that I miss hearing the thoughts of people who aren't afraid -- like I wish I wasn't afraid -- of what people think of them. In their jokes and suggestions they seemed to justify all that I am aiming for right now. They are not great people by most measures of greatness, but their lack of pretensions is refreshing.

One more thing occurred to me last night. A parallel between a speech made in Atlas Shrugged and a debate on tv about how the proposed health care plan would affect small businesses:

"This is the age of the common man, they tell us -- a title which any man may claim to the extent of such distinction as he has managed not to achieve. He will rise to a rank of nobility by means of the effort he has failed to make, he well be honored for such virtue as he has not displayed, and he will be paid for the goods which he did not produce. But we -- we who who must atone for the guilt of ability -- we will work to support him as he orders, with his pleasure as our only reward. Since we have more to contribute, we will have the least to say."

Even as I reconsider the passage, I recall hearing a man who owned a company of no more then a hundred employees saying that businesses like his were not considered because he didn't have a lobbyist working for him. These small businesses don't have men in Washington. Just the representatives who they hoped would remember that these small employers "pay 44% of total U.S. private payroll" and "have generated 64% of net new jobs over the past 15 years." I remember also how my dad sat and ranted yesterday about how Obama is doing this as someone with no understanding of the great crime he is attempting to commit because the man has never held a non-government job with the exception of a single professor's position in which he used to mangle the constitution in front of classrooms full of students.

Is this the future that we were told to look forward to? I cannot believe that this mockery he is making of the democratic process in a capitalist country will be allowed to go on. I cannot believe that this is, and should be, the end result of years of "higher learning." Such a thought seems inconceivable, yet here we are with our paper degrees proud of what we know, while the philosophers sit on street corners and engineering minds flip burgers because they could not put up with the most terrible lie of all. The lie that only those who never participate in any truly hard work within the material realm can believe with full conviction. The lie that school, as it is now, is made to educate.

Those columns that were once made of marble are plaster now, my friends. The ivory halls are a facade, and unless you missed it, the gate of opportunity closed before we even arrived. All these institutions seem capable of doing now is indoctrinating young people with flawed ideals and handing out those pieces of paper that undeniably prove that they can put up with whatever B.S. is thrown at them for at least 4 years.

Sorry for the tangent to education again though. I guess it still irks me that I've learned more about business, health, finance, philosophy and psychology in my stolen moments away from "education" then I ever did in class. (And to head of any comments on this last sentence, I read books like a fish drinks water when I'm not in school.) I dunno... I guess it works for some people... somehow... We'll blame my A.D.D. that I don't understand how, at least for now.

What am I doing?

2009-08-25T15:46:00.002-04:00

So, for all my talk about how I'm not at Berry this semester, I ended out deciding to make a visit on the first day of classes. It was nice to see everybody again, even if half the people I saw thought I was still at Berry. Ha ha.

In a way, I felt almost guilty knowing that I was there actually having fun while everybody else hurried to go to class, bought the overpriced books and came to the startling realization that their "fun class" had a 12 page syllabus. I've been there, got the t-shirt, won't be going back.

The unanimous questions among friends seem to be: Where have I been going this summer? And where am I going in the future?

Big questions, and what can I say? This summer I updated my blog about half as much as I did during the school year, but I still feel good about those posts that I did make. I got a job with zero prestige, but I'll be making more this year then I was previously figuring on making with a degree. (Money isn't the only consideration on the job though, presently the job is funding my artistic pursuits, and the funding is always low for such things.) Besides that I've basically cooked a little and tried to catch-up with friends whenever possible.

So basically, I've been doing what I was trying to get away to do: I got away from the stresses of school for a while and sat down and asked myself some important questions. What have I found? Basically what I already knew more or less on some level anyway. What I want to do with my life is make something beautiful that will change the world in a way that will help people to be better people. Now, I just have to narrow that down from Milky Way sized to, oh I dunno, the size of Jupiter.

I've been trying to figure out a direction, and while I still don't know where I'm going, I'm trying to do the next best thing and go with the decisions that feel right. I have made some pretty good intuitive decisions in the past, and in the face of the one large generalization that I have about what I want to do with my life, intuition seems best.

So, what are my plans? Short term, I'll continue to write, paint, cook, plan the wedding and get together with friends as often as possible. Long term, I'll... do something that I can be proud of. I just hope that I can meet my own high expectations of myself. I am my own harshest critic and my own biggest fan. As such, I refuse to do anything less then incredible with this short time that I have on this little blue, green planet.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi

Why I'm not going back to Berry this semester

2009-08-16T22:19:00.008-04:00

"You really need to think about going back to school soon," my uncle told me in his most serious voice today after lunch. Funny, I don't think anyone realizes just how much they're asking when they suggest that I return to school.

Flash back to spring: I'm packing up all my stuff in the dorm. I run across a second doctor's prescription for anti-depressants. It had never been filled and never would be. I through it in the trash with a slight flash of a grin at what the school shrink would think if he knew what I did with all his prescriptions.

Things were going downhill fast at school. I kept falling asleep in class as professors droned on about the same s*** that was taught in high school, and when I didn't fall asleep I just zoned out for the whole class time. It wasn't even that I didn't care so much as I couldn't seem to find a reason to care about the constant review.

I wanted to do something, create something and see things, meet people, all that jazz. I still do. That is why, the night after I went swimming in the Ford fountains at 3 am, I decided that I was leaving college and wasn't coming back unless somebody gave me a damn good reason why college counts for then a piece of paper saying that you went to class, did the reading and managed not to sleep through the final.

3 months later I don't know what to do. I have painted a few things, cooked a little, and even worked on my drawing skills, but nothing major has been accomplished. I have simply satisfied the the minimum requirements for not getting kicked out of the house. I am still looking for direction, but in the very least I know where I'm not going. I am not going to endure another 2 years of mind numbing torture for a piece of paper.

There is a better way, and I will find it.

That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character.
-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Bzzzz...

2009-07-14T19:43:00.005-04:00

Here are the results of my cake decorating class today.

Not half bad for a first timer, huh?

On Reading

2009-07-13T21:02:00.013-04:00

I am the slowest reader I know (outside of a few elementary school kids), yet again and again I've found that my slow reading speed allows me to pick up on details that my peers who read the same passages in as little as half the time often miss until they have re-read the passage two or three times. Why is this? Is the speed that I read at the key?

I've often wondered why professors do little but review the text in so many classes and why students seem to find the minor leaps in information, that could be easily obtained through a few moments' analysis, so surprising. Perhaps this fault of analytical review lies not with students as much as it may be blamed on the way they were trained.

As students we have been told to complete our work quickly. From the SAT to the Georgia High School Graduation Test to college testing, the speed at which a student is capable of reading and "analyzing" a block of text is made central to today's learning environment. But how much analysis can be done when a student is allotted less then a minute to read a page if he wishes to have any time to work on the questions?

Richard Restak, M.D. attempted to explain how reading and analysis has changed over the years in a passage from his book Mozart's Brain and the Fighter Pilot where he describes the affect of the transition from reading aloud to silently as a societal norm:

While this transformation brought obvious advantages, it also resulted in people's employing different speeds and rhythms for thinking, reading, and writing. While this isn't always a bad thing[...] it can lead to stressful feelings and loss of focus. At times, thoughts come faster than the thinker can put into words. The manic patient's tortured complaint of a "racing mind" represents the extreme of this tendency.

Perhaps the reason why so few students comprehend what they have read in depth is because of this habit of reading passages faster then they can actually comprehend them. Maybe the problem also branches from a simple misunderstanding of what it means to truly read.

According to dictionary.com, "read" is a verb that means "to look at carefully so as to understand the meaning of" or "to make out the significance of by scrutiny or observation."

What many of us find ourselves doing, and are all too often encouraged to do, is skim passages which is defined as "to read, study, consider, treat, etc., in a superficial or cursory manner."

So, the big question is this: Are you reading or are you skimming? Maybe we should all try reading a little more and skimming a little less. Now I'm not saying that you can't skim over the directions on how to turn on your iPod, but maybe give the classics a real chance, read them.

Good luck and happy reading.

Proposals Gone Wrong

2009-07-09T18:03:00.004-04:00

Well, I've been having some kind of iffy days lately, so I thought I'd share a little schadenfreude with y'all.

Enjoy not being these guys.

Proposals Gone Wrong

Only the Good Die Young

2009-06-29T14:05:00.006-04:00

In the midst of so many celebrity deaths (Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, etc.) a new study has come out to refute what parents have been lecturing on for so many years.

As it turns out, according to this study the reason why many teens take part in risky behaviors is not because they think they are invincible. According to this study's findings the reason why many teens take life threatening risks is because they are convinced that they will die young anyway.

This bit of news seems to goes heavily against common knowledge in many ways, but also seems to make more sense then the old idea.

Personally when I heard this my thoughts went to something that my younger brother had said to this affect a few weeks back as we sat on the porch at 12 am trying to hash out what we are going to do in this next year. He said that he doesn't expect to live to see a ripe old age. Funny, I can't either. Maybe its just the chronic nightmare. I dunno...

My brother was the one who usually ignored whatever it was that "good boys" his age were supposed to be doing until I announced that I was "taking some time off from college." Now he is doing what he is "supposed to" and applying for junior college. An ironic choice of paths for someone with ADHD and authority issues. I'm sure he can pull it off, but at what cost to his character? He was considering the military before, but with me "misbehaving" I guess he decided to go for the path mom and dad have been pushing for.

I guess the study is a reflection of what happens to people at this age between 17 and 22. We feel pressured to conform, and we either submit ourselves to the accepted path or say to hell with it and do our own thing.

I'm glad I opted out of what I'm supposed to be doing though. While taking the path of least residence I got to feeling like Bilbo Baggins when his journeying days were coming to an end:

"I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to."

On the other hand, now that I am attempting, though with no great success thus far, to do my own thing Thoreau comes to mind more often.

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I'll fail, but at least no one will be able to say that I haven't tried.

Click here for Billy Joel.

Will Work for Peanuts

2009-06-26T19:22:00.005-04:00

I look up and watch the green sun drenched leaves stir slightly with the warm summer breeze. I don't know where I'm going. Then again, who does. The "plan" for the moment is to try to kick butt at the job interview I have lined up for Tuesday.

If I get the job, I'll be working with food again which can be super fun if the people in charge are even mildly intelligent or endlessly frustrating if they are convinced of any one of the hundred fallacies that come with the business. I like working with food though, so maybe it'll work out.

The food thing works well with my "starving artist" results on so many career tests too because it is one of the few "art" careers where I probably wouldn't actually starve. Ha ha.

I guess the point of this whole thing is that... I don't know the point of this whole thing. I want a job where I can be creative and have fun every now and then.

It feels like senior year of high school all over again: I want to cook and I want to write, but you can't major in both and it's pretty damn hard to do both considering neither one pays even decent unless you're hard core awesome.

If I take this path toward cooking and writing then best case scenario I'll end out being awesome like Emeril, Rachel Ray, Guy Ferrari, etc. Worst case scenario, I'll go broke and have to get an office job. Sounds like a risk worth taking.

So raise your glasses, here's a toast to doing what you love even if it only pays peanuts.

Squirt bottle Correction

2009-06-17T14:14:00.006-04:00

I put in my resignation last week. Some times things just aren't meant to be. This job was one of those things.

It wasn't the work that made it a bad fit either. I don't mind hard work. What bothered me was the mentality that the management had about the work. Observing the way they worked and tried to make things happen was so frighteningly anti-logical that I wanted to pull out a squirt bottle, spray them and say "No, bad manager."

I've found myself wanting to do this to more and more people lately. Maybe it is my flaw that I want to train people like a bunch of puppies. That I want to get rid of bad behaviors with a squirt bottle and a firm voice. Maybe it would be good for them. More likely they would think I was crazy. I still kind of want to correct those behaviors before they prove to be detrimental to the guilty parties and the people around them. I want to bring this change to them.

To the manager who gives a vague idea to employees of what they are supposed to do, then swiftly negates all employee suggestions at ways to be productive that don't fit perfectly within what is already being done at that office.

*squirt* "No, bad manager."

To the professor who ignores the wide variety of learning styles and teaches in a way that only truly appeals to audio learners. (Telling students to read the book does not count as covering the visual aspect.)

*squirt* "No, bad professor."

To the salesman, co-worker who talks too much about the negatives of an otherwise good product before getting around why the person should actually care enough not to tune you out right then and there.

*squirt* "No, bad salesman."

To the parent who upon learning that his/her child has made a major life decision that will hopefully make his/her life better asks about finances before anything else.

*squirt* "No, bad parent."

To the person who never seems to appreciate a job that's been done and only looks at the job that needs to be done.

*squirt* "No, bad person."

It is probably a good thing that I don't have a squirt bottle. I might be tempted to actually use it then... even more so then now.

Insurance

2009-05-24T12:54:00.005-04:00

As of this week I am officially working for an insurance company in the LG. I can't help but wonder how this will work out long term.

I don't want to stay in my hometown indefinitely, but it helps to be able to find my way around the area where I'm working. And lets face it my ability to get lost is matched only by my ability to totally mess up GPS generated directions.

Maybe I'll turn out to be a kick-butt insurance salesman. Maybe not. Maybe I'll soar through the ranks. Maybe I'll fall like a rock...

Maybe I should sell myself some life-purpose insurance....

Grading the First 100 Days

2009-04-29T13:59:00.005-04:00

So, Obama has made it through his first 100 days in office, and everyone seems to be asking how he did. Lets itemize it and see.

Foreign Policy, B- He got us out of Iraq, but now we're stuck in Pakistan. Again.

Domestic Policy, C Whose idea was it to continue bailing out Wall St? Debt is bad for a country. He is delving into a few of the tougher areas though, so kudos for that.

Fiscal Policy, F I repeat: Debt is bad.

Media Relations, A+ This is by far his strong suit. Congrats.

Promises, B+ I'm impressed in this area as far as follow through goes, but there is still a long way to go.

____________________________________________________

Final Score: C+ Still room for improvement, but overall passable.

100 days down. 3 yrs. and some odd months left. Lets bring those scores up Mr. President.

Hitting the Target

2009-04-27T15:53:00.005-04:00

Funny, somehow it seems that earning "my keep" at home may be becoming the number one thing standing between me and finding what it is I need to do. Then again, there is always something.

*sigh*

Yesterday I learned how to shoot a hand gun. Sort of, anyway. The funny part was my dad was sitting there coaching me and coaching me. Finally I told him to just be quiet for a min. so I could try it my way. I hit a little high on the target, but at least I hit it....

Maybe I need to say the same for my life too.

"Just a min, dad, let me try it my way for a bit."

A Comment on Society

2009-04-24T16:14:00.005-04:00

I just felt the need to make a comment on some of the more recent "news" that is making headlines.

Susan Boyle is taking the world by storm, and while she may not be the prettiest woman on the planet, I don't think that is the real news of this whole affair. The real news is that someone who doesn't look like an extra from Sex in the City has won over the world with her talent.

Congrats Susan. You even made Simon act nice.

I have a map... I just don't know where I am.

2009-04-24T15:10:00.003-04:00

Frankly, not only do I not know where I need to go right now, but I don't even know which way is North. I've been doing the online applications thing of late, but I don't even know what I'll do when I find a job.

I feel like a round peg.

The "normal" 9 to 5 work week is a square hole.

College is an triangular hole.

I don't fit in either, but what is a round peg to do? I have to fit in somewhere, but all the things that I really enjoy doing seem to leave me with the idea of putting starving artist or hobo on my next W-2.

The good news is I've finally actually sat down to write a book. It is idea 12 of 139.4. It seemed like the easiest one to flesh out though, and I am a semi-expert on the topic, so this may work. Or maybe not. It is hard to say at this point. All I have thus far is a massive outline and about 5 pages from the first section. It is in severe need of editing, but it is out on my laptop. It's a start.

Small steps...

Oh, and more good news! My fiancee now has a blog, so go by and visit some time. I think it's awesome, but then again I'm kinda biased. :P

What do you do with a BA in English... or Communication for that matter?

2009-04-22T16:49:00.002-04:00

First off, props to Avenue Q. It has some great songs.

Secondly, I bare news. I have decided to stop putting off the inevitable and go try to do something with my life and my talents. (Limited though they are.) So, I guess I may never know what one does with a B.A. because I'm opting out of the process in favor of doing something that I love. Once I actually figure out a plausible way to make money from sketching, writing and acting as an unofficial tour guide...

The best part of the whole thing is the role reversal though. For the last year or more I've been asking myself what the **** I was doing in a hyper structured system while the family told me how wonderful it was that I had submitted myself to that system. Now the family is asking me what on earth I'm thinking to leave the well paved path, but I'm practically (and sometimes literally) jumping for joy to be able to move in the direction of my dreams.

It's not much but it's a start. And as my fiancee reminded me as I pulled out of Berry's parking lot, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." (Lao Tzo) This is my first step. I'm scared to death, and excited beyond reason. This is going to be one hell of a journey.

What if.

2009-04-06T14:48:00.002-04:00

What if I'm not meant to follow the "normal" path

What if I go another way

What if for once I get brave

What if I find a new game to play

What if it doesn't matter

If your right and I am wrong

What if it is time to move on

And write my own life's song

What if I succeed

What if I fail

What if....

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world." -Lily Tomlin

Step 1: Remove alternative routes

2009-04-03T01:19:00.003-04:00

I put myself in a position where I will have to find a better job and consider housing alternatives for next year in the near future. It is time for me to move forward. I will do things that make a difference.

I will write the words the world reads.

Assume Survival Float

2009-04-01T00:32:00.002-04:00

When floating in water for extended periods of time, it is important to remember the correct methodology for a survival float. The survival float allows one to stay afloat for periods of time that would not be possible using other methods.

You may sink below the surface at times, but so long as you don't panic you will be okay.

It may seem like it is taking forever for help to arrive, but it is important to remain calm and continue floating.

Make sure to keep filling up your lungs all the way.

Relax. Breath deep and don't panic. Only 6 weeks left... then land and rest.

My life

2009-03-30T14:12:00.004-04:00

I'm still trying to find a way out of this box I'm stuck in, and ran into an article in an old issue of Time on the subject. Here is what it said:

So what do we learn from all this? Quit school? Go back to school? Walk away from our comfy, high-paying job? Run away to a Caribbean island? Bronson's subjects try all these solutions and more, but he has the good grace to spare us easy answers. The fact is, we already know from self-help gurus what to do. Follow your dreams. Never give up. Believe in yourself. The answers to the ultimate question are often cliches, and that doesn't mean they're wrong — they're just not very helpful. What's helpful is seeing that other people are trying too, even if they're failing.
Bronson is a fan of failure. "Failure's hard," he writes, "but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever." Bronson believes, and his stories prove, that failure is how you eliminate the wrong turns on the way to the right one. -Hint: It's Not Plastics, by Lev Grossman, Time

But, this still leaves me asking what are my dreams? Am I strong enough to still believe in myself when I have failed so many times before?

Now I'm sick too...

2009-03-30T13:23:00.002-04:00

Last night was a long downhill battle.

I lost.

Now I have what my fiancee had/has. Fun, fun. I am sitting here next to the medicine my roommate left out for me in the most comfortable chair that you can't sleep in and staring at the prompt that I was supposed to be writing about for class. I can type fine, but my concentration is shot.

I need to go out for real food at some point. Something more then applesauce and oatmeal anyway. Food is good....

I demand all the vanilla lates I can drink.

2009-03-29T19:51:00.002-04:00

If I were in the position to demand anything, this is what I would demand.

All the vanilla lates I can drink.
I need coffee. It is essential to the creative process. No coffee, no progress.

A truckload of Endangered Species Chocolate bars
Chocolate is important to life, and Endangered Species chocolate is the best.

A $500 gift certificate to Barnes & Noble
I need to know what the great thinkers thought. Plus, I have a reading list that's taller then me.

A year subscription to National Geographic
It's pretty, and I like to know about the world.

$500 worth of iTunes credits
I like to listen to music, and there are a lot of cds that I want to listen to that I don't have yet.

What do you demand?

Cold Cure

2009-03-28T23:59:00.002-04:00

My fiancee was sick today, so I checked around for some good cold cures online. Turns out that lemon ginger tea and chicken noodle soup with miso top the charts across the board. Garlic also got good reviews.

Between the three, anybody's sinuses are sure to drain in no time.

The hard part? Convincing him that the ginger tea is worth it.

Ethics in the Watchmen

2009-03-27T13:14:00.006-04:00

Who will watch the watchmen? Allan Moore asked in his acclaimed graphic novel, The Watchmen.

This graphic novel confronts a multitude of moral issues, and each character seems to have his own set of morals. From Rorschach's absolutism to Ozymandias' utilitarianism, the novel seems to ask who is right? And what do you believe?

Where do you fall on the spectrum? Do you agree with Rorschach? Or Ozymandias? Or perhaps, Night Owl, who was torn between the arguably amoral method and the world changing result?

Spoiler Alert!!!

Rorschach: The Absolutist

Rorschach had strict moral values in the comic. If a person killed another person, then they deserved to be punished. Period. No questions asked. It didn't matter to Rorschach why somebody killed someone else. To him it was wrong and he felt that it was his duty to right that wrong. (On an interesting side note, Rorschach seemed to believe that the right punishment for murder was death, and he had no issues with killing murderers or others who he believed deserved the death sentence.)

Night Owl: The Undecided

Night Owl took on the role of kind of the average guy. (Or as average as superheroes ever get.) He was obviously divided on the issue of punishment for wrongs and what precisely made something worthy of punishment. Night Owl clearly expresses his opinion on what he thinks of Ozymandias' plan, but once it is carried out he decides not to do anything about it. He seems to go with the idea that since the world is safe in that moment, the atrocities that made it safe should be ignored.

Ozymandias: The Utilitarian

Ozymandias took the extreme opposite approach to Rorschach's. Ozymandias believed that killing was justifiable if it made way for a better end. He was on the whole against violence, but he did, without a shadow of a doubt, go by the moral code of the greater good for the greater number. He may have saved the world from another war.

Dr. Manhattan: The Hedonist?

Dr. Manhattan presents the biggest problem for this analysis. He cared, but then didn't. In the end though, he seemed to be motivated primarily by what interested him over anything else. He liked to watch, to study, to examine problems, to understand... This primary pursuit of the "interesting" leads me to place him in the hedonist bracket.

The Silk Spectre: The Virtue-ist

The Silk Spectre seemed to apply the golden rule to everyone's actions as well as her own for most of the novel. The Comedian was bad to her because he had not followed this rule. Ozymandias was incomprehensible because of this. Rorschach was strange. Dr. Manhattan confused her. Only Night Owl seemed to almost li

ne up with what she thought was right. She wanted everybody to treat everyone else nicely, and when they didn't she found them at fault.

So, who was right? Was anyone right? And what would you do if you were in their super-shoes?

In defense of my vice: coffee

2009-03-26T00:49:00.001-04:00

My number one vice is coffee.

Love Coffee by Ahmed Rabea

I've been drinking coffee on a regular basis since middle school when my mom first took me and my little brother to check out the new coffee shop in LaGrange, Higher Groundz. (Which is out of business now.) After that, I began drinking coffee on a weekly basis. By the time I was in high school I was drinking coffee several times a week.

Now that I'm in college, I drink coffee on a daily basis. I'm better then some and worse then some on this count. Of course, I've heard a hundred times over the reasons why I should ditch the coffee habit, but its not all bad, coffee does have some good points.

1) Coffee contains antioxidants that are proven to improve moods, and who doesn't want to feel a little happier?

2) Coffee is a great excuse to socialize! Can a question ever beat "Wanna meet for coffee?"

3) Coffee has been shown to improve focus and short term memory. No wonder so many great thinkers were known to spend a ton of time in coffee shops.

4) Coffee is good. :)

Sounds like I have a few good reasons not to kick the habit, doesn't it? Good, now stop hassling me about the caffeine. It's good for me.... errrr... sort of.

A Trip in Music

2009-03-24T21:55:00.001-04:00

Here are my top 3 songs that I would like to be listening to on a big road trip... when I finally get around to going on one.

Life is a highway by Rascal Flatts

I know its cliched, but it is a really good, upbeat song to drive to. It keeps me awake and focused on the road and sounds fun. Those are important factors while on long road trips.

Be as by Simon and Milo

This song really speaks to me about the reasons to go and the need to get away. My favorite line goes
"Lisa just had to get away, Nothing could make her stay, Tired of living under cover. Everybody knows somebody trying to get free..."

Come back to Texas by Bowling for Soup

This song reminds me of home (GA, not TX, but still) and reminds me that I should say hey to the people there at some point. It also makes me laugh at some of the ridiculous reasons to go home. The reasons are even funnier because they are so true to life.

Is television bad for children?

2009-03-24T00:22:00.022-04:00

Today's blog is brought to you by my contemporary persuasion class, and all the wonderful people in there that I will be speaking in front of today.

The Problem:
Children are watching large amounts of violent programing and are becoming violent themselves. This fact is clearly evidenced by the recent accidental killing involving a little boy who killed his sister when he practiced a wrestling move that he saw on tv on her.

Case study
Case study 2

Why is this happening?
Television does influence our actions, and it influences children even more then adults. Children mimic what they see on tv. Unfortunately, what they see on tv is fighting, shooting, stabbing and other forms of violence.Too many violent shows on television during hours when the most impressionable viewers are watching.

Family Guy example

What can we do about it?
Some special interest groups are advocating safe times when major stations will cut down on violent programing during times when more children are watching. The focus for this method is on the hours when children are just arriving home from school.

Another way to protect children from the effects of violent programing, is to make easier and more readily available parental controls for televisions. This form of parental control was the goal of the Telecommunications Act of 1996 that made it a requirement for television makers to install a chip that would block violent programing using a rating system that the networks devised.

"Most critic[s] feel that the V-chip, a form of rating system, will fail in its effectiveness to monitor children as it has a proven history of failure in the past. Ratings such as "NC-17" had to be changed from "XXX", simply because it was becoming a symbol in modern culture, and became more of a right of passage for youth, rather than a deterrent." -Through the Wires

Die laughing...

2009-03-23T22:13:00.001-04:00

I've heard of several neat pranks, but the best that I've seen have been at college.

24072007(003) by miikkahoo

My favorite on campus prank that I've seen was a surprisingly simple one:

It was midterms time during my freshman year when I walked by the science building and saw this prank sitting on the sidewalk. Somebody had traced a body outline in splayed, crime scene fashion on the sidewalk next to the place where a piece of fruit had exploded earlier in the week. The effect was great.

It was kinda funny in a I-really-shouldn't-be-laughing-at-this sort of way. It was well timed too because it really made use of the pressure of that part of the semester.

I actually heard some people asking what had happened! It looked real enough to make people wonder, but was low key enough that nobody bothered to clean it off, so it lasted until it rained.

***Nobody actually died. The campus is so small that if somebody stubs their toe on one end of campus, you'll know about it on the other side of campus before they get back to their dorm room. Plus, while the prankster's use of chalkboard chalk for the outline was probably seemed like a good idea, I'm fairly sure that the police use something a little more affective at marking the lines at crime scenes.***

Rut

2009-03-23T13:33:00.004-04:00

I've been very conflicted about where I'm going lately. I distract myself and deflect, but I can't help but realize that this process of sitting in dark rooms, listening to professors go on and on with their favorite process, repetition.

So much...

...stagnation...

...here.

I can't stretch here. I can't grow. I can barely move. This is hell on earth for me. This forced attention to details that I'm only trying to make myself care about. This isn't going to work. I'm leaving.

Only a few questions remain:

When?
Where will I go?
How will will I explain to the family?

I know that I am going though and have a rough idea of what I will do when I get there. At least its a start.

Three overplayed songs I love anyway

2009-03-22T23:00:00.001-04:00

A few songs that I've probably heard one too many times, but I still love them as much I did the first time I heard them. (Probably more.)

Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

It's a love, hate relationship. I love the song, yet I want to hate it because it is so overplayed.

Rock Star by Smash Mouth

I know this song forward, backward and sideways. I even have a rough sketch of how it can be played on piano at home... somewhere.

Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel

It seems like this song comes on every third time I get in my car, but I still belt out the lyrics and turn up the radio every time it plays.

Gadgets that might be nice...

2009-03-21T14:58:00.001-04:00

I write a good bit and get lost at least once a week, so you would think that the item at the top of my gadget wish list right now would be something to make writing even easier or a GPS or something along those lines. Those are almost too logical of choices though, and thus are wrong. If I were to buy a new piece of technology right now it would be one of two things:

1) A sketch pad for the computer so that I can still make messy outlines with lots of arrows, but they won't get lost under five layers of returned assignments from classes, or

2) A program that easily enables a free flow of ideas, to do lists, system references and charts. (I saw one that I really liked but it was uber expensive, so not happening...)

These are just maybe, at some points though for now due to my limited funds.... Until then I'll stick with my present method of writing things out on paper the old school way. The good news? I get to make lots of use of my sharpies. Yay for coloring!

***This is my first post using a new program called Plinky that has questions of the day. I'll be trying out a few of the prompts now and then to fill some of the gaps in my regular blogging.***

Planning

2009-03-21T00:08:00.004-04:00

So, it is decided: I am going to do something else. But what? For how long? Where?

I have a hundred questions for myself, so I resigned to do what I do every time I am faced with an overwhelming decision... I try to learn something.

It's ironic how the main part of my problem solving method involves me distancing myself from the problem at hand.

4 hours in and I just realized that after all those "exercises" and all that reading, I can now design a black and white version of my first myspace page. (Okay, so a few other elements might be lacking, but the basic format remains the same.) It is kind of thrilling and depressing to learn what is hard and what is just ridiculously easy.

It makes you think about what goes into the pages that you look at online too. Just click View/View Source on a web page and suddenly the long lines of code become visible. It makes me realize something important: I want to be able to type html on pages, but I'm glad that I don't to have to type in html every time I type something online.

If it came to that, then this blog probably wouldn't exist. I would have gotten annoyed at a misplaced tag somewhere or another and moved away from the system very early on. The first post probably never would have gone up. (Not that anyone actually read the first post, but that is another story entirely. The point is that I wouldn't be typing this now.)

In the end, I find myself thinking back to Hamlet's famous question and rephrasing it for today:

To html, or not to html? That is the question.

Thought of the Day

2009-03-11T13:00:00.005-04:00

I'm doing things that are more artistic again, more close to the material that I love. I don't disparage those things that I did. They're just not as much reflective of who I am.

-Mira Sorvino, actress (Romy and Michele's High School Reunion)

Last Semester

2009-03-09T02:06:00.006-04:00

I'm going to cut down on my college course load. More and more this "education" is beginning to seem like just another bureaucracy. Its just really this long (dare I say pointless?) process for what? A piece of paper that says you went to class and turned in something requiring a mediocre effort.

*sigh*

This may be my last semester. I stress too much over busy work, and the busy work is not worth the stress.

For once I may actually be following a doctor's orders: The doctor told me to get rid of the big things that were stressing me out. Roughly a year later, I'm putting together a plan to get out of college, the biggest stress-er I have ever met. Give me belligerent idiots, give me fighting, give me the midnight shift (I'm up anyway), give me a job where I'm overworked and underpaid, just don't make me spend one more semester in these halls of "higher learning."

I need to be able to move and learn and grow, and for me, college just isn't the place to do that.

I need to escape.

I need a change.

Out of it

2009-03-08T17:25:00.004-04:00

It's round 3 and I'm down for the count. Too beaten and bruised to care as the hand slaps the floor. I gave it a good run, but I've lost. And no one ever writes about those who tried and failed. It is the winner who tells the tale.

Then out of nowhere a hand reaches down to pull me to my feet.

"It is time for you to move on to a different ring," a voice whispers.

I just nod. I saw this coming all along.

I don't know how to get there, but I know where I'm going, so I take a deep breath and take a shaky step in that direction.

Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt that said, "Do at least one thing that scares you every day?"

Good advice.

God has a funny sense of humor....

When I grow up I want to be a ballerina...

2009-03-04T23:19:00.004-05:00

Today, that age old question came up yet again: What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I was little, I wanted to be one of several things and figured that I could just pick one when I was a little older. I wanted to be a doctor, a teacher, a ballerina, an adventurer...

As I got older, things changed though. I came to realize that while I can look at and talk about guts all day, 5 min into hearing someone else talk about the circulatory system I start to feel faint, so no doctoring for me. I realized that while I like to help people learn things, I despise teaching structures, so no teaching for me. I realized that while I love to dance, I have a very un-ballerina like butt and no sense of balance (as evidenced by my high school stage time), so ballet doesn't seem like much of an option. And what does an adventurer do exactly? Besides get shot at, captured, read maps is dead languages and find awesome stuff against all odds. Apparently the adventurer hiring agency only places cute guys with at least two degrees in history, or something related to archeology, or a hot girl who was a princess/queen in a former life. It would appear that I was a Romantic Poet (according to facebook), so no luck for me.

Oh well.

Now, I'm in school learning how to write about what is going on in the world because I don't know what else to do. I like to write and I like to go out into the world and talk to people and do things, so this is what fits.

I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up though.

Maybe I'll double check on that adventurer job... I dream about being shot at anyway....

Ash Wednesday

2009-02-26T00:47:00.003-05:00

Today my boyfriend and I went to the Ash Wednesday service that was held on campus. It was neat. The service itself was very Catholic, which I enjoyed. (Catholic services always seem to have that extra special pen ash around holidays.) The communion wine tasted like saki though...

So, the big question is: What should I give up for lent? A lot of people are giving up food or drinks, but the only things that I eat/drink routinely are chicken and coffee. Chicken because it is the only meat that the school does a good job at cooking, and coffee because due to my body's chemistry caffeine tends to work as a relaxant on me and when I don't drink some when under stress, I need serious drugs (like Benedril) to deal with the withdrawal symptoms.

Back to giving up something though. I really don't know what I can give...

I can give some more time for prayer, though I fear I'm too often distracted.
I can make an effort to do a better job of attending church, though I know I'll miss the extra hour of sleep.
I can actually finally get around to pulling some money to give to the church from my pay check's meager leftovers.
I can try to read my Bible more. It's pages were starting to get dusty.

That is all I know to offer. I have little time during the day and am overly easily distracted at night, so I will try this little though it is. It's not giving up chocolate, but it is my own small attempt. Hopefully I will pull through and do all of these. If not, then I can only hope that God will understand.

Dear Professor,

2009-02-24T23:35:00.002-05:00

I don't get class, and it isn't the subject matter either. The subjects are simplistic. You repeat yourself... a lot. You give me death glares if I walk into your 9 o'clock one minute late, but then you are 10 minutes late to your own 1 o'clock class.

You don't remember where you stopped at in your notes during your last lecture, but find it unthinkable that I forgot this ultra important busy-work assignment that you handed out along with three other similar assignments earlier in the week. You expect me to sit in rapt attention, yet you babble on in circles, constantly returning to some technical mumbo-jumbo. You say that I should try to learn in your class, yet you review so much that I couldn't even say what the "new material" was in the last class.

You speak in abstracts, then say I don't explain enough in my papers. You claim yourself as a revealer of higher education, yet you test me over the same things that I learned in 10th grade.

Where is the challenge?!?!? Why am I here?!?!?! Quit lecturing me on respect and accountability because until you learn to respect my intelligence, I don't think I will be able to fully respect you. If you respect me, I will respect you; if you treat me like an uneducated fool, then I will play the part in your presence. That isn't a threat; that is a fact.

Sincerely,

Some kid from class

Screenplay Feature

2009-02-22T01:55:00.001-05:00

I got published this week. :)

Read what I wrote here.

Picture

2009-02-17T23:52:00.013-05:00

At about 11 pm my neighbor from down the hall came and knocked on my door. She was tired, had had a long day and still had a lot to do. Of course, I wanted to help if I could.

10 min later I am standing by the floor lamp with my tank top pushed up and my pants sitting low on my waist so that my neighbor can take a picture of my back for a project that she is working on for her portfolio.

She said the pictures were good, but I still think I look poofy in them.... Maybe I should get back to that whole running thing.

Tired but not sleeping

2009-02-17T01:51:00.004-05:00

That simple saying seemed all too true today:

Good grades,

Social life,

Sleep.

Pick one.

Welcome to college

I am trying to do too much this semester. Class, work, clubs, friends, boyfriend, sleep... I'm pretty much a zombie right now, so I don't know why I'm writing except perhaps in some vain attempt to put off tomorrow for a little bit longer.

Alas, I fear the inevitable is already on my doorstep as I run my fingers over the keyboard. The new day sits outside the door, softly singing, "The moment's no more, it is time to meet the day."

Invader Zim

2009-02-10T23:50:00.005-05:00

Today the unthinkable happened at work:

Me: *wonder around trying to figure out what to do that doesn't involve alphabetizing*

Co-worker: What is that on your shirt?

Me: Hmm? Oh, that's Gir from Invader Zim.

Her: Who is Invader Zim?

Me: *pause* It used to come on Nick. It is, pretty much, the random-est cartoon ever.

Her: Like Spongebob?

Me: Oh, far far random-er.

Her: *looks at me skeptically*

Upon further consideration Invader Zim is basically what you would get if you threw Seinfeld, Men in Black 2 and Batman Beyond in a blender. The show has practically no plot line, lots of random alien stuff and a captivating art style.

What more can I say about it? I mean, besides that it is awesome. In my experience, Invader Zim is to people who grew up in the 90s what Ghostbusters is to people who grew up in the 80s. (And by growing up, I of course mean watched lots of television and became emotionally attached to the characters seen there.) It is a cultural identifier. Don't get me wrong, I love Ghostbusters, but Gir is my homeboy... errr... dog, robot, thing...

Oh, and my favorite quote of the day came from the computer lab assistant (who is a girl, since in this context it does matter):

"I love your shirt! Give it to me now. Take it off!"

Ha ha. If she hadn't been joking then that would have been awkward.

Career Placement Results

2009-02-08T18:26:00.002-05:00

I took a career placement test today. Here are the results. They make me giggle.

Career Inventory Test Results

Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Inquisitiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%

You are an Idealist, possible professions include - information-graphics designer, college professor, researcher, legal mediator, social worker, holistic health practitioner, occupational therapist, diversity manager, human resource development specialist, employment development specialist, minister/priest/rabbi, missionary, psychologist, writer

Take Free Career Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Charlie the Unicorn

2009-02-04T23:46:00.004-05:00

So, show of hands, who has seen Charlie the Unicorn? (Uh huh, yeah, you might want to put your hand back down now before people start staring.)

So, just because Charlie is wonderful, it seemed appropriate that I do at least one blog on him and his friends.

Now on first glance Charlie the Unicorn is hilarious. You have to feel sorry for Charlie, as you laugh at his misfortune.

Upon a second glance though, there are some interesting underlying themes that didn't become entirely clear to me until after I watched the youtube live video. It seems that Charlie the Unicorn has some elements of anti-communist propaganda in it that is reminiscent of Disney's cartoons when the US was at odds with Russia. Just for giggles, lets consider the evidence for this idea:

Charlie's liver is taken by the community. (aka blue and pink)
Charlie's tv, game system and blanket are also taken by the community.
Group thought contributes greatly to the events that occur.
Charlie (if seen as symbolic of the US) is understandably wary of his friends with communist-like values (not unlike Russia and China), but finds himself on the bandwagon with them on the adventures anyway. This could easily be compared to the way the US sometimes enacts policies similar to that of its larger "friends" that, while they have the country's self-interest in mind, ultimately lead to less then desirable circumstances.
In video 2, there is a hammer and a banana that look suspiciously similar to a certain country's former symbol.
In the youtube live video, pink and blue are wearing Soviet Russian hats, and the hats seem to freak Charlie out almost as much as any of the other strange events surrounding him.

And then there is the possibility that all of the videos were made purely for entertainment value.... That isn't as fun to analyze though, so I guess I'll stick with communist vs. democracy symbolism.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go put a banana in my ear. (Oh, the Freudian comments... another day.)

Talking to the President

2009-02-03T23:36:00.004-05:00

Tuesday night, Berry opened up to questions from its students about new dorm policies among other things.

What the meeting came down to though was a form of free speech that is to often forgotten in this age of political apathy. All students who went to the meeting got to voice their opinions and ask whatever questions they felt were appropriate. There was no time limit. No over-riding censorship (though a few comments by the administration were self-censored). No topics barred. It was wonderful.

Now lets just hope that the administration listens to what was said because if it doesn't then this great conversation means nothing. The meeting would be nothing more then dumb show and noise. A nice gesture, as they pick our pockets of whatever money we, the student body have left.

Campus Carrier

2009-02-03T01:18:00.003-05:00

I got published. Yeah!

To read my article, click here.

I also got most of this weekend's to do list done. This is what I was attempting:

[X] Make a spread sheet for Executive Round Table attendees

[X] Watch sports dvd for photojournalism

[X] Write project proposal for visual communication

[ ] Print and fill out internship form

[X] Apply to Kennesaw

[X] Find a story to write about for the Carrier

[X] Water plant

[ ] Send Berry transcript to Kennesaw

[ ] Check out media outlets near Kennesaw

[X] Clean room

[ ] Check on summer course options at home

[X] Cut fingernails

[ ] Read 2 chapters in Irresistible Revolution

[X] Go to church

[X] Run

[X] Put away clothes

[X] Check e-mail for stray reservation for ERT

[X] Develop a good running plan for the week

So, most but not all. I still have all week to get the rest done... well... besides the requirements of the new to do list that seem to spring up at random. :P Oh, well.

Bonfire

2009-01-26T13:25:00.003-05:00

On Sunday night, Mount Berry Church hosted a bonfire in the Clara Bowl. The event was highlighted with singing, a sermon, s'mores and hot chocolate. Their was a good student turn out for the bonfire, and even after the bonfire collapsed, a crowd of students pushed in together as they sang next to the fading embers.

The message was on the nature of the Holy Spirit. A special offering was taken up to help fund one student's voyage on a ship delivering educational and devotional books to countries overseas.

Students by the fire

Hot chocolate

The bonfire at its high point

High Museum

2009-01-25T17:39:00.005-05:00

On Saturday night, Scott and I went up to the High for college night. Somehow, I ended out driving the whole way up, so that was interesting. Atlanta traffic scares the bejeebies out of me. Being us, we of course got lost for a while, which led to the quote of the night which involved bus lanes:

"You're not a bus! You're not a bus either! You're not a bus, you're a Democrat!"

In my defense, the guy did have an Obama/ Change bumper sticker on the back of his car. *sigh* I really shouldn't be so nit picky about people obeying lane laws in downtown Atlanta while in traffic, yet... I dunno. What was I talking about? Oh, right, the High!

The High was gorgeous, as usual, and I got to giggle over Scott's fascination with weapons, then Scott got to giggle over my fascination with European artists. It was wonderful. Between the Louvre exhibit and the terra cotta warriors, its a miracle that we ever left. It was late and cold though, and we were both exhausted, so we wondered out about 5 min before the museum closed. We still had a long drive after all.

Inkdeath Review

2009-01-18T18:46:00.002-05:00

You may recognize the name Inkheart from the commercials that has been playing for the movie that will be in theaters soon. The movie looks like it might be good but, as always, not as good as the book. In honor of the upcoming movie release, I'd like to write a review on Inkdeath. Inkdeath is the third part of the Inkheart trilogy.

Inkdeath is a wonderful end to a great series. This book is targeted towards children but is a great read for readers of all ages. The series is custom fit for people who love to read, and this book is no exception to that fitting.

While the first two books centered primarily on Meggie, the bookbinder's daughter, the final book shifts its gaze to a view of the entire cast's intricacies. From the Arabian boy, Farid, to everyone's favorite fire-eater, Dustfinger, all of the major supporting character's get their turn in the spotlight.

This higher level of character development is both rewarding and frustrating for the reader. While it is nice to get to peak inside the heads of a few more characters, after two books it is kind of saddening when one finds that he misses the former central character.

Despite this switch, Funke does a good job of wrapping up a lot of loose ends and creating enough new loose ends to make the story ring true. Not an easy feat for a story where giants and fairies roam. Overall, I give Inkdeath a 4 out of 5.

Now I'm just hoping that the movies will be able to reach even a fraction of the series' potential. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers when I make my way over to the silver screen.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

2009-01-17T13:17:00.003-05:00

On Friday night I took my boyfriend to see Rocky Horror Picture Show in a little theatre in Atlanta. The show was great, and my boyfriend was a Rocky Horror virgin until that night, so I got to watch more then just Brad and Janet's reactions to the craziness. ;) Ha ha.

The show was great to such a point that it almost overshadowed the clear view of Tim Curry in a corset. Almost. Of course the crowd was the best part though. The small theatre was filled with regulars who seemed to know as much about the film as the acting group that proudly wondered around in their corsets and short skirts joking with the audience.

Both my boyfriend and I thoroughly enjoyed the performance. Who knows? Maybe we'll even go back. It may be a while before we go again though, the two hour drive at 3 am was killer.

First Day Back!

2009-01-14T23:14:00.004-05:00

Today was my first day back in class! Yeah!

Today was lots of fun. I had four communication classes. :) The things that I am most excited about this semester are learning about photojournalism and creating a web site all by myself. (Okay, so there is a computer program that will help, but I should be able to make one with out other people after this class.) Maybe at the end of the semester, I can apply some of what I learn to this blog to make it more original. Maybe not. It all depends on what exactly I end out learning both in and out of class.

The bad news is the professor who teaches the course I want to audit seems to be really dragging his feet on the idea. I just told him that I'd show up for the first class then if it works out then great, if not then... well, I should be able to hide out in the air vents without too much trouble. Ha ha. I really do want to listen in on that course though. My schedule might not do well with the extra 3 hrs. though, so ce la vie.

The best part of being back is the people though. It is easy to forget how the friends here have already become a second family to me. Though, I don't really want to think about how any of my friends would be related to me... They are both older and younger, more and less mature, more and less knowledgeable, cynical and overly trusting... They are part of my generation. They are part of that group that remembers the tragedies that occurred while we were still in our school days: Columbine, 9/11, Virginia Tech. They remember the good things too though: watching Power Rangers and Captain Planet, digging prizes out of cereal boxes, stomping around in light-up shoes. Older generations view these experiences from a distance, while the newer generations look off in the direction of new things and new experiences that are just now beginning to unravel before our eyes. But what we knew in our youth has shaped us. It has helped make us who we are, for better or worse.

Either way, back to what I was going to say...

Right now I'm trying to enact my New Year's Resolutions with my return to college. The structured schedule seems to help keep me on track better. I've been reading a lot, checking out ways to mellow out and this evening I exercised with two friends. One, who is on a post-husband-deployment plan, is aiming to shape up her legs; the other, who is a determined chic who got the bum end of the metabolic-stick, wants to be able to fit into a size smaller in dresses by the time spring formal rolls around. Both are good goals. I just want to be able to run more, longer and harder. Okay, maybe I want a bit out of this. I can be very competitive with myself sometimes. At least this competitiveness bodes well for my goals for the year.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-05T12:50:00.004-05:00

2009 began on Thursday with fireworks, yet some things don't change. Like my work schedule. Today is my off day though, so I figured that I would go ahead and write a bit about my New Year's Resolutions despite the fact that I'm coming in a bit late...

In 2009 I will run 8x a month (minimum).
In 2009 I will fill up my portfolio binder.
In 2009 I will get at least a B in all of my classes.
In 2009 I will read 25 books.
In 2009 I will learn how to relax.

There are one or two others, but that is the basic jest of it. Now, what I need is an action plan, so that I can actually get these things done instead of throwing them back into the pile of unmet resolutions.

So, here is my action plan:

Resolution 1: Run 8x a month

I will schedule runs on days that aren't too busy then will make myself actually go out and do it. Because they are scheduled, I can't procrastinate and put off running until later. I will reward myself at the end of every month that I accomplish this goal by letting myself buy a new book and read the first chapter or so over coffee.

Resolution 2: Fill my portfolio

I will start writing for the campus paper, and ask the local paper if it needs a free-lance person to cover a few events. I will also put some serious effort into getting an internship with my hometown's paper this summer.

Resolution 3: Get B's or higher

Tough one... Read the books? Study? Pay attention in class? Don't panic? I'm still working on this one...

Resolution 4: Read 25 books

25 books in a year means roughly two books a month. That sounds easy, at least until one considers that at the same time there will be a number of pages that need to be read for classes too. I guess the big thing is to make sure that I'm done reading 15 books by the end of July.

Resolution 5: Relax

I'm trying to figure out where a good place would be to just chill sans distractions. I think that would help a lot... but where is there to go? I keep thinking in my car, but that seems somehow ill advised.

So, here I go, off into the wild blue yonder. Will I succeed? Will I fail? I guess, as Jimmy Buffet put it, only time will tell.

Paying for College

2008-12-30T23:35:00.005-05:00

So, in order to keep from having to start selling body parts for money in order to fund college, I've taken on some seasonal work. Fun, fun, right?

Interestingly, the only place hiring here at home is the bookstore, which is short on employees and then some. The good news is I get to work a lot, which means I'll get to make some money over this break. Yeah for minimum wage!

Meanwhile, the bills from school are starting to make my parents (who agreed to help me pay for college) panic. Costs add up quick, and I'm not even at the half-way point yet.

So, my big question is: How do get costs down to a point where my parents will cease to panic?

The answer? Well, here are my ideas...

Regain HOPE. (It wondered off at the end of last semester and refuses to come back until I have 60 credit hours.)
Avoid foreign languages for the time being. (I think Spanish 102 scared off HOPE.)
Find scholarships that aren't income or luck based. (Grrr... why does land make my dad's income look high? It's not like you can sell it in this market.)
Take some transient courses at smaller colleges.
Work like the Dickens!

Any other ideas? Because I'm out. Financial aid was beyond unhelpful with this question. They told me I should make up a budget in order to pay. Thanks a lot. If you get paid $50 a week for part time work, and you owe $300 at the end of the month, it doesn't matter what you do, you are going to be short some cash.

So, I'm almost ready to give in and do something really crazy in order to pay these college bills, like sell a kidney... I can just see it now on ebay:

1 Kidney in Fairly good condition - Is slightly used and smells a little funny but does what it is supposed to... most of the time anyway.

What can I do?

2008-12-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

As somebody who asks way too many questions of random strangers anyway, I decided to go for a degree that would allow me to ask lots of questions once I finally get out into the big bad working world. The natural choice, for me anyway, was journalism.

Of course after having made this decision, I have felt the need to one up myself by becoming the best journalist that I can be and, hopefully, one of the best journalists of my time. The problem with this of course being that I have no idea how to be a good journalist, much less a great journalist, so I turned to Google to answer a few of my questions about journalism. As always, the variety of results was pleasing varied and there is no shortage of ideas on what to do in order to become a great journalist. Unfortunately, I don't think that it is physically possible to do everything that was suggested.

It really comes down to: What can I do with the time and resources that I have?

I guess that question applies to a lot of things though: Family, friends, vacations, school, a place to live, transportation, etc. I'll admit that the time is more of a concern then the resources part for me in this. I am presently reading a book on early American journalism and millions of news sources are at my finger tips thanks to the internet. At the moment, my greatest struggle seems to be finding the time between work and classes (which I will be returning to again, all too soon) to actually read enough of this material to count for anything or, better yet, to actually send out more then the occasional article on this or that to local papers.

Not having enough time is a lame excuse though, I'll admit. We all have the same 24 hours in a day, so I guess I'll just have to make better use of the time I have. For me I guess that means less tv and surfing on the net and more reading and writing.

It's time to do this. No more procrastination. I am taking the leap. I will be a great journalist.

(The clip may seem a little melodramatic, but that is how I feel when I'm getting ready to talk to an editor for the first time. It is seems epic when I find solid ground.)

Final Exams

2008-12-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome to finals week (aka - college hell)

So, in honor of all the students who are presently suffering due to sudden onsets of brain cramps and freaking out over how they just blanked on their last test, I decided to make a little test of my own. Bwahah ha ha!

Here goes. No googling allowed! (I did give you links to the answers though...)

1. What is the 1st amendment?

2. What is Obama's stance on the war in Iraq?

3. What position was Hillary Clinton offered in the White House?

4. Name three holidays that occur in December.

5. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Happy finals! :)

College

2008-11-17T00:34:00.000-05:00

So, what is the point of a college education? Why do we shovel out tons of money, often more then we can hope to earn in several years in our chosen field, in order to be in this place?

Why is college important? I find myself asking this question to myself over and over again. There has to be a reason why I'm here...

I suppose that I should have prefaced all of this with the fact that I'm presently becoming increasingly annoyed with the repetition that characterizes my classes. I keep shaking waking up to realize that I've stared off into space for the majority of the class period in most of my classes. My grades are still decent, but that's only because so much of the information is review that it doesn't matter that I zoned out. I'd probably be doing even better if it wasn't for the multiple choice. Multiple choice is the bane of my existence. It just seems so much like guessing that I have a hard time taking it seriously. (My SAT score is a pure and simple miracle of statistics.) Multiple choice makes all the information seem very trivial. I even half expect the lights to go down and dramatic music to play like on a game show after I finish reading a question.

Back to the original question though: Why do we go to college?

No idea, but let me know if you figure it out. In the meantime, I've got some inner-classroom-space-exploration to do.

Election Day

2008-11-03T23:57:00.000-05:00

Here it is. Election day is here. Today is the day when we the results of months of campaigning will be made clear.

It isn't just the presidential election either though. This election is for sheriffs, school board members, tax commissioners, state representatives, and so many others.

Lets face it though: At midnight on Tuesday night, the biggest thing keeping us up will be the presidential results.

So, on that note. Go out and vote this year. And for the love of all things decent, lets hope for no hanging chads, limited voter fraud and that the Florida results will come in, preferably, before California's. You've gotta love Florida.

Happy voting!

The Secret to Success is B

2008-11-01T21:28:00.000-04:00

So, I was sitting there in my English class on Tuesday when it hit me, mid- well, Midterm. I now know the secret to success in life that the school systems in high school and college have been try to teach us, the poor mis-guided students, since we first came into their "care."

So, here is the secret. It is the only explanation that makes since really when you consider the education system. It is:

Multiple choice.

Shocking, right? And yet I've always kind of suspected that might be it since a teacher first placed a standardized test on my desk at the tender age of 8. That has to be it.

After all, why else would so many schools insist on forcing all students to take so many tests that they could not possibly be fully prepared for, unless that was the secret to success in life? Why else would we need to take SATs, EOCTs, ACTs, Benchmarks, AP Tests and Graduation Tests? Not to mention the sundry of other tests that we encounter along the way in this format. Why would this specific testing style continue to follow us throughout our college careers, unless it held some sort of barring on our future success in life?

That brings me back to the midterm where the options are swimming before my eyes. I know the material, but I couldn't tell you which letter is correct to save my life. So, I close my eyes and choose with a blind pencil. Hmmm... functionalism was the French Feminist that talked about patriarchy... I guess go with b. again.

So, I flee from the English department after the test over to the Communication department to sulk in the computer lab. This secret has only penetrated a few of the shallower levels of this department, where non-majors still tread. I slip farther and farther away from this great secret of success, but that's ok, who ever wanted to be successful anyway.

I just want to write.

My Favorite Book

2008-10-28T21:55:00.001-04:00

It's been a long day. Those long days seem to be coming around more and more often lately. I guess that is just what happens as you get older. Not that I'm old yet, but still.

The work that I am supposed to do so I'll maintain my GPA, the work that I should do to build my portfolio, the work that I will go to at 8 am tomorrow morning.... It all weighs on me. It barrages me with a quickly growing list of people to call or e-mail, things to remember, things to read and things to research. The list grows until I suddenly try to fight back. I race through the readings, spend time with people and even make a few calls. It is only a minor dent in the list, but a dent never looked so good.

So, I escape for a few moments. I watch House with a friend then, after we've parted, I walk back to my room and pull a book off the shelf. It is an old paperback that I got way back in middle school. Its spine shows several clear white lines from where the book has been opened so many times. This is my favorite book.

I turn to a page right in the middle. I know this story forwards and backwards. The page takes me straight to a conversation between the characters and the ref before a game:

"Are the edges on that thing sharp?" the spokesman asked, spying the general's axe.
"Razor," Badaxe replied haughtily.
"But he won't use it on anyone," I added hastily, suddenly remembering the "no edged weapons" rule.[...]
"Oh, I have no worries on that score," Greybeard responded easily. "As with all games, the crossbowmen will be quick to eliminate any player who chooses to ignore the rules."

I skim pages and read over the place where the "hero" accidentally becomes the teacher of an unlikely student then over to a conversation between that same "hero," a dragon, an exceptionally large woman and a scaly green guy.

What gets me is the comedy of the book. It makes me smile to read about all the unlikely situations that sound strangely similar to some situations where I have found myself, only minus the scales and the axes, in the not too distant past.

I consider actually re-reading it for the hundredth time, but then I spot my to do list. So much to do, so little time. Maybe I'll read just a few chapters. I practically have it memorized anyway.

The Meaning of Life

2008-10-27T23:43:00.000-04:00

What is the meaning of life?

Scholars have asked this question since as far back as man can remember, yet no one seems to know the answer. It seems to be a simple question. After all, it basically asks why are we here? There has to be a reason. Everything has some sort of reason, even if the reasons behind some things are stupid or confused in purpose or ineffective. There is still a reason.

So, why are we here? On this planet. In these specific geographic locals where we find ourselves. Among these people with whom we interact on a daily basis. What is the purpose of our being here?

There does not seem to be an easy answer in sight, so I find the answer the same way many modern people seek to have their queries answered: I google it. The answers display an interesting variety of opinions and philosophies.

The answers are:

Monty Python
42
God
Oneness
Nothingness
Life
Love
It is meaningless
42 (about 70 more times)

There were a few others but that is the basic jest of it. So, this leaves me back where I started, only with a little more information this time. Why are we here? What am I supposed to believe? How will the meaning of life, affect my life? But this is a big question, and I should have known better then to expect a simple answer from a big question. Big questions give you more questions. That is as simple as it is going to get.

A few sites were of some help though, in this quest for truth. First, a philosophical approach then, surprisingly, a pop culture character worked to give insight.

http://www.themeaningoflife.org/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rb3GZ5DfaTY

Ultimately, I don't think I was really looking for an answer anyway, so much as wondering if there was one. I like to ask questions. I want to know what is there to be known, even if I can't know it all. Maybe that is the meaning of life: Asking.